Mine
by cacoethes8
Summary: After Leila pulled a gun on Ana, Christian decides to leave her to protect her from himself. But seeing Ana move on and having fun does not bode well with Christian. What will he do now? FSOG and the characters belong to EL JAMES.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Please note that this is the first time in my life that I am attempting to write something. Be kind and help me improve on how to write better. Thank you!

**MINE**

**Chapter-1**

I can't believe, the love of my love, my Ana is dating Ethan Kavanaugh.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I stand here looking at them, eyes only for each other. She has one arm draped around his waist and Ethan has her other hand placed on his chest, just where his heart is. Obviously he has no touching issues like me and is so much more likely to give Anastasia a normal relationship, a normal life. I feel like I have been stabbed. And every time Anastasia looks up to Ethan's eyes and blushes, it feels like someone has slit my wrists and I am bleeding. Yet I don't think that actually describes the pain I am going through at this moment.

I. Screwed. Up. BAD.

Before I realize I feel my feet make a dash through the door. I run out of my parents' palatial house and I see Taylor already ready with the car, holding the door of the car for me.

"Get me out of here. NOW!" I growl at him and as soon as we are out of the main entrance I feel my head throbbing, my stomach growling, a bile rising to my throat.

"STOP the car. STOP!" I bark at Taylor. Taylor screeches the car to a halt and I jump out of the car just in time the remnants of my afternoon lunch rise up my throat and on the street. The hit of nausea subsides once my body realizes there is nothing left in my stomach and I feel washed. I sunk on the street resting against the car and stay put.

I feel lost. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing ever will matter anymore.

My life is empty. I am nothing but a ghost of a man and I have no one to blame but myself. I did this to myself. I let her go. I stand up and start walking into oblivion. There is nowhere I want to go and no one I want to be with, so I just walk. Memories of that day come haunting to me when I asked Anastasia to leave me.

I just wanted to protect her from myself, from my baggage and from the risks that come along with being a part of my life.

That day when I saw Leila standing there with her gun pointed towards the reason of my core existence, I knew. I knew I had to let her go before she is crushed from all of my baggage. She was so innocent and so naïve. I never wanted her to be tainted by my evil spirit. I love her so much that I had to let her go. I wouldn't expose her to the risk that tags along with me. She deserved more than my issues, she deserves happiness and she deserves someone who can give her a normal life.

Then why does it feel like the end of my world when I saw her in Ethan's arms?

Ethan is normal. Just the type of man she needs, a free-spirited person who will only make her laugh, while I only gave her pain and wanted to lock her in a gilded cage. I could never even make her laugh like Jose's photos.

I feel like dying. But how will a dead man die again? I am just a nobody. My family has been cold towards me since the day they found out I threw Anastasia out of my house. Katherine Kavanaugh called me a heartless bastard. But what they don't know is ever since Anastasia came into my life, my cold and unbeaten heart started to thaw and as much as I wished I was heartless right now, it seems that my heart still beats only for Anastasia.

Anastasia Rose Steele. I love how that name sounds on my mouth. Her pure and innocent life tainted by me.

By the time Anastasia returned to Escala that night after Leila pulled a gun on her and I had her sent away from there, she went with the Kavanaugh boy for a drink and was missing for a few hours. I was petrified and in all my self-loathing glory I decided in the spur of the moment that it was best she was out of my life for good. She would be safe that way. So I asked her to leave as soon as she walked into the big room. She looked heartbroken and shattered when I told her being with Leila helped me realize that I needed a submissive not a girlfriend. She even went ahead and begged me that she would become my submissive but not to throw her out of my life. It was so hard for me to control my inner turmoil and all I wanted to do was take her into my arms and beg for her forgiveness to be causing her such distress. But I knew if I gave in, she would only be farther tainted by my fifty shades of fucked-upness. She is so pure, I didn't want to do that to her anymore. I love her too much.

So I turned my back to her so that she couldn't see the tears rolling down my cheeks and called in Taylor to drive her back to her apartment. She wouldn't budge so Taylor had to pick her up in his arms and carry her to the foyer and into the elevator. Next morning I sent all her belongings that she had in Escala and she sent me back every single thing. Exasperating as ever. She even changed her number and e-mail address. The thought makes me chuckle everytime. Like that would keep me from tracking her down.

Since that day, everyday I would wake up to news on Ana. Pictures, phone records, her work e-mails, background checks on who she dealt with at work everyday. Even when I wasn't there I made sure she was safe so I put two guards at her disposal without her ever finding out that she was being eyed upon. I had to know of her every move. I knew everything that was going on in her life and so why the fuck haven't I been informed of this. She had been dating the Kavanaugh boy and I had no clue? Surely there has been some mistake on my security's part? I have to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Dancing with Ethan at Kate and Elliot's engagement party was ecstatic and just what I needed.

It's been three months now, a whole three months without Christian Grey.

Ethan has been my lifeline and the best friend one could ever ask for. He supported me, pulled me out of my darkness and helped me back on my feet. I never thought I could trust anyone after Christian broke me in a way I thought was not fixable. But Ethan fixed me, nurtured me back in shape. Without him and Kate I wouldn't be smiling today.

I miss him still. Yes, even after he ripped my heart out and squeezed out the life from it, I still miss him.

I could feel him when he entered the party. I was in Ethan's arms dancing with him and laughing and then I felt him. From Ethan's expression, the way his eyes turned cold for a minute, I could tell that Christian Grey was here. But I dare not looked at him. I knew that if I did, I would go back to the pits of hell from where I was just coming out. It took so long for me to cope up with my heartache. With the help from Ethan, Kate, Jose and even Elliot, I was able to muster up the courage to come today and enjoy my best friend's engagement party.

Kate and Elliot seemed so in love. I am so happy for Kate. I've never seen her more happier. They are both so smitten that every time I look at them I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. But then maybe I am not just meant to be loved, let alone by Christian Grey.

Keeping my blues aside, I decide to revel in the happiness of my best friend. Kate and Ethan gave me a new life. I could never repay them. Just as the music stops, Ethan gives me a reassuring nod, hinting that he was gone. I don't know what to feel about that. Should I be relieved that I didn't have to face him or sad that he can't even stand to be in the same room as me. Surely he knew I would be coming to my best friend's engagement party? If it was so difficult for him why did he even bother showing up. I know for a fact the Greys have not been very welcome to him after they learnt about what he did to me. Throwing me out of his house late at night was cruel even for Christian Grey. But they loved him anyway and Elliot wanted his baby brother to be a part of his happiness, but by the looks of it Christian can't be any less bothered.

Sighing I look up to see Jose waving his hands towards me and comes running up to me. He hugs me and swirls me around and I can't help giggle. That feels good. Giggling. I haven't been much of a laugher in the past few weeks but it looks like I was finally coming out of my shell. Everyday I was getting stronger and not having to see Christian, I decided, was for the betterment of us both.

I decided to get drunk. It's not everyday your best friend gets engaged. Kate's happiness radiated off her skin. She was glowing and her happiness was rubbing off on me. I couldn't help but smile every time I looked at her. Atleast one of us is happy. But, I am a strong girl and I will not let Christian Grey ruin this beautiful night for me. Not tonight, not ever. Henceforth, I will only be happy.

You don't need a man to be happy. This is the 21st century for God's sake and I am an independent woman. I am going to change myself. Gone will be the shy and timid Ana. This is a new day and it is absolutely time for a new beginning. A new wave of confidence swoops and engulfs me and I feel like I am ready to take on the world. Christian Grey or not, I RULE!

"Whoooooo," I shout and gulp down 3 shots of tequila one after the other. And soon I am gulping down booze like an alcoholic. My head feels funny. Suddenly I see two of everything. And then rock music starts and I find myself doing a head banging competition with all the boys in the party. I am the life of the party and I dance with everyone. I don't know if it's my depression or some divine intervention that has me acting all out of character.

I can't keep track of what is or isn't happening and soon I am walking out of the house with both Jose and Ethan both of them holding my hands and they seem drunk too. We decide to catch a cab since none of us are in the state to drive back. All three of us hand in hand, laughing, singing and trying to call a cab whistling and soon we are in a whistling competition and I can't seem to stop laughing and so does both Jose and Ethan.

And that is when it happens. Everything starts to go in circles and I am quickly on my way to collapse on the ground before I hear _him._

"ANASTASIA!" Christian shouts.


	3. Chapter 3

I am on an updating spree right now since I have some free time and I would like to use it before real life beckons and I am busy again.

**CHAPTER-3**

I turn back to try and find out why my security team has not reported me on Anastasia moving on with Ethan. I feel rage. I am so angry that I start to tremble and to stop the trembling I might have to kill Welch or Barney or Taylor or whoever withheld this information from me. Soon I am marching back towards my parents' house and I stop dead on my tracks.

WHAT THE FUCK! Anastasia is walking out of my parents' house hand in hand with the photographer and Kavanaugh. She is laughing and singing and she seems drunk. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I have to stop this madness. What is she doing acting so silly? She is putting herself out there in so much danger. Fury runs through me like my blood flowing through my veins. I might really have to kill someone before I calm down. Taylor tries to go upto them but I stop him.

"Don't. I want to see what she does Taylor." I tell him and he looks at me with fear in his eyes for Anastasia.

Suddenly all three of them start whistling? What the…. Before I can contemplate what is happening suddenly Anastasia is dropping on the floor and I can't stand and watch.

"ANASTASIA." I shout. She is collapsed on the ground.

I race towards her. Both the men come forward and is on their knees trying to think what to do. They call her name but she doesn't seem to be waking up. She is knocked out for good.

Ethan looks up to see me standing and his eyes blaze with fury and hatred. The photographer, however, is trying to wake Anastasia, barely able to keep his head up himself. He looks at me too and suddenly his droopy eyes are alerted and he shields Ana from me.

"She needs to get home." I say trying to knock some sense into them.

"Grey. What the fuck are you doing here?" Ethan snaps at me.

"We can take care of Ana here, get the fuck out of here you moron!" Jose shouts.

I am seething with fury but I try to reason with them thinking they are all drunk and seem out of their wits. "I'll drive you all back to the apartment. Get in the car." I order and at my nod Taylor brings the car around and I open the door for them to get Ana inside.

"We'll just take Ana back to your parents'." Ethan says and tries to stand. With great difficulty both he and Jose stand and try to pick Ana up.

Goddammit. I push them away and they tumble down on the ground and before they can stand back up, I swoop Ana up in my arms and place her inside the car. I get in and ask Taylor to drive and not bother about the boys.

Taylor starts the engine and asks, "Where to Sir?"

"Escala." I reply and he drives off.

I look at Ana, a frown forming on her face and I take her up on my lap and the frown disappears and with a smile on her lips she is cocooned on my lap.

"Christian," she whispers and sighs and snuggles closer.

My heart is aching. I feel breathless.

Three months I craved for her touch. Three months I longed for her voice. Three months I have lived in hell. Three months I died everyday without her.

And right now with her wrapped around my arms I feel like I am alive again.

My Anastasia. I nuzzle her and smell her intoxicating smell. Still the same, though there is a stench of alcohol overpowering her smell. My favourite smell. Ana.

I stroke her face and move a strand of hair that was coming on to her face. The feel of her soft velvety skin feel like heaven against my skin. A slight pink hue appears on her skin and I can't help but smile. My Ana. How much I missed the feel of her in my embrace.

_My world. My life. My love. My everything._

"We're here sir." Taylor's voice jostles me out of my trance. I realise I have been looking at Ana throughout the whole drive.

Taylor opens the door and I carry her up all the way to my penthouse and inside my bedroom. I lay her down on my bed slowly trying not to wake her up but I think she is out for good.

She is here for real. On my bed. Sleeping. Even though I want to change her clothes, I don't touch her not knowing if I still have any right to do so. The thought pains my heart and without thinking any further I change and get in bed beside her and engulf her in my arms. I can't begin to explain the feeling of tranquility I am having with her in my arms that have tears in my eyes. I kiss at the back of her head, nuzzling her neck, taking in her scent and fall in a deep, peaceful slumber with her tightly enclosed in my arms, not caring what the morning will pertain to and I couldn't care any less. For now she is here, safe and in my arms.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER-4**

My head throbs. I can't even open my eyes. I cannot believe I had so much to drink even though I know alcohol and me don't see eye to eye. Looks like Ethan and Jose got me home safe. Last night was crazy. At one time I am sad about Christian and the next I am gulping down alcohol and the next I am dancing and doing what not. Everything seems a blur.

I try to sit up and fall right back on the pillow. My head. Urgh.

I turn to my left and see a flash of copper.

My heart stops beating and I stop breathing. WHAT THE HELL?!

I lie back down and start laughing. Oh my goodness, I am still drunk and I am imagining myself on Christian's bed with Christian. I fall back to sleep again.

I don't want to wake up but nature calls and my bladder is on the verge of bursting. My head is still throbbing and my legs feel like jelly. I sit up and stand with great difficulty. Suddenly I am on alert. I am aware of my surroundings.

SHIT!

I really am in Christian's bedroom. Christian is nowhere to be seen. I quickly glance down and relax when I see I am still wearing clothes from last night. I feel fury seep through me, but before anything else, I charge inside the bathroom for my morning release.

HOW DARE HE? WHO THE HELL IS HE?

I am not the same old Ana Steele that he walked all over on. This is Anastasia version 2.01.

And Anastasia version 2.01 does not do with getting abducted.

Maybe I can just kill him. Sounds like a plan. My inner goddess wakes up from her deep slumber and gives me a thumbs-up. My subconscious just rolls her eyes at me.

Alright maybe I am just overreacting but I can maybe just kick him in the balls. He surely does deserve that. _Bastard_.

I come out of the bathroom, to find a glass of cranberry juice and Advil. I take them. I didn't realize how thirsty I was up until I drank the juice. There's also a glass of water and I drink that too. Aah that felt so good.

I hear the door open and in one whisk I am back inside the bathroom. Fuck.

My subconscious points at me and laughs. So much for kicking him in the balls. I roll my eyes. Shit. This seems even more difficult than I contemplated. I've missed both my inner goddess and subconscious so much in the past three months. Seems like they missed Christian too and left me all on my own.

Wait what? NO! Now is not the time for dwelling in emotions. It is time to make plans. Time for Ana Steele version 2.01 in action.

Think Ana. THINK!

Nothing.

Both my inner goddess and subconscious seem to sulk at the corner and I just slump on the commode seat.

Suddenly I know just what to do.

I tip-toe out of the bedroom. There isn't anyone. Christian seems to be in his study shouting at Taylor and Swayer. I slowly walk like a cat without making any noise and hurry to the foyer and call the elevator. While I wait, I pray nobody comes out of his study and sees me. The elevator pings and I jump in and put in the code. Thankfully the code is not changed and before I know it the elevator is descending and I am running out of Escala like a mad person. I realize I don't even have heels on nor do I have my purse but what the hell. I just need to get away from here as fast I can and make a mad dash.

I run till I can feel my lungs might rupture and I stop to take some breath. I am barefoot, and I have no money. I stop a man and ask for his phone so I can make a call.

"Ethan it's me Ana." I say trying to catch my breath.

"Ana? Where are you? We tried calling you the whole night! The bastard just drove off with you. Oh my God I'm so sorry. We went to Escala but we weren't even allowed up! The bastard that he is…" Ethan keeps on blabbering.

"Shut up Ethan. I escaped. I'll tell you what happened later but right now just come get me." I tell him.

"Where are you now? I'll come get you right away." Ethan replies.

I give him the address and 10 minutes later he drives up infront of me with Kate and Jose in tow and I rush inside the car. I let out a sigh and tell them about what a close call it was and how I literally ran from him like a coward.

So much for Anastasia version 2.01.

God! I'm such a loser.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER-5

She ran.

Only one person in this world can really surprise, shock, anger, bewilder and make me want to weep in frustration at the same time. And it is none other than Anastasia Rose Steele.

The most frustrating and exasperating woman I have ever met or will meet.

I want to howl in bewilderment, but I try to keep calm.

Oh Ana! Sighing I just sit on the floor of my bedroom.

She hates me.

She hates me so much that she ran without even seeing me. But I guess I deserve that. I deserve every ounce of her hatred for turning my back on her when she begged me not to leave her. She was on her knees pleading for God's sake!

What I did was unforgivable and I have no one else to blame. If she were with me, incidents like last night wouldn't even happen. I would keep her safe always. But I pushed her away when she needed me the most. I can't begin to fathom of how much I hate myself. I deserve all the hatred in this world. Like the bad soul I am, I entangle everyone around me in my black tainted world.

Taylor comes in and tells me that they found Ana and she was safely back at her apartment with her friends.

After lashing out on Welch and Taylor i found out that Anastasia isn't dating the Kavanaugh boy after all. She was just dancing with him at the party. I hated it. I hate seeing her laughing because of another man. I could never make her laugh the way both Jose and Ethan made her laugh. She looked so carefree and free spirited. Doing silly things like normal people.

Right now I wish I wasn't Christian Grey, so that I could maybe enjoy life like other normal people and give Ana a normal life.

But I was Christian Grey. The megalomaniac CEO of Greys Enterprise Holdings Inc. I couldn't be normal even if I wanted to. And the fifty shades of fucked-upness only adds to my already confused, controlled and shitty life.

Without Ana everything seems like a perpetual night.

Working round the clock hasn't helped either. These past three months I worked so much that I acquired more companies than in the past year. And I never felt more unhappy.

Anastasia left her job at SIP and is now working with the Kavanaughs. Thinking of Ethan and her staying together in the same apartment makes me want to break limbs every single time. I hate it. And it was only my doing that she is back in that apartment which is so unsafe. It's a good thing I have round the clock security keeping an eye on her or God knows what she will end up doing.

I smile thinking of last night and the way she was curled against me. She feels perfect in my arms. I would move heaven and Earth to keep her safe. Even if it meant I hurt every single moment of my life.

She is worth it.

She loved me in a way I never thought possible. It's a pity I never believed she loved me up until she was on her knees begging me not to leave her and I turned my back on her. I wince at the memory. And pain flushes it's way through my system as soon as I think of that night she came back into Escala and I had Taylor hauled her out of here. Tears form in my eyes but don't fall.

A new wave of pain engulfs me when I realise she hates me. She doesn't even want to see my face. The more I think about it, the more I want to go and see her. I want to beg her for forgiveness and to take me back, but then it would falter the very reason I left her in the first place. Her safety.

All I want to do is curl up and cry. But tears don't seem to come out. I hate everything. I haven't even contacted John Flynn and I think every time I walk out of this room, my staffs are on the verge of a coronary because I am agitated all the fucking time. It was only last night when I was with her did I feel peace and I slept through the night without waking up for a minute. I slept straight for a whole 6 hours. 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Anastasia my savior, my lifeline, my reason to be.

I get up from the floor, get dressed and go for a run.

Pretty soon I find myself outside of Ana's apartment. Suddenly I see Jose coming out, so I have to hide myself so that they don't see me.

Ana tailing behind him gives him a big bear hug and he swoops her arm and hugs her tightly. I hate this. He leans in and kisses her on both cheeks and before getting inside the cab tells her something and gives her another hug. Cut it out with the hug already!

I find myself scowling and I wish I had some sort of weapon so that I could kill the photographer right now. With one last kiss on her forehead he is in the cab and gone away. Looks like he is going back to Portland now that Kate and Elliot's engagement party is over.

I hate him. He still wants into her panties. Or did he already get inside there. Maybe I will die sooner than I thought.

Ana is wearing very short pants, exposing her sleek and sexy legs to everyone out on the street. My head is about to explode and as soon as I thought it couldn't get any worse, a passerby turns around checks her out and goes towards her to talk to her. Looks like he is asking for her number and she blushes.

Someone passes me by and brushes against my arms. I stop him and punch him in the face. He is knocked out. In my rage of what was going on with Ana, I lost control and assaulted some stranger. Taylor runs towards me and takes me away from there before people recognise me and the whole media is called upon.

Things keep on getting worse by the minute.


	6. Chapter 6

This story is not going to be one of those where you see Ana jumping at Christian at the first chance she gets. I just want to see Ana grow some balls and a backbone and act like any other normal 22 year olds after a devastating break-up. She will be seeing having more random fun rather than crying and pinning for Christian. Let Christian suffer for now! :P

**CHAPTER-6**

Suddenly there's some sort of commotion across the street from our apartment. I don't know what it is but there is a crowd forming out there.

"You really aren't going to give me your number are you?" The stranger with the sexy hair asks me and I am looking back at him again tearing my gaze from the commotion across the street.

"Mommy says not to talk to strangers." I reply trying to flirt back. Suddenly I have all the courage in the world. I am single and ready to take on the world.

My inner goddess does a somersault.

"Alright. How about I come back tonight again and take you out for a drink? Then we won't be strangers anymore and then you can give me your number?" The stranger cocks his head to one side and gives me a sly smile.

I have butterflies in my stomach. I've haven't felt this way in such a long time. Adrenaline whooshes inside me. Christian Grey if you thought I would be sulking because of you, well NADA! I am single and ready to mingle.

Now I know that after what Christian did there is nothing worse that can ever happen to me. There is nothing worse that can hurt my heart and that realization is somehow making me braver and outgoing. What will a few more heartbreaks do to me anyway? I still have so much to do and nothing to lose because Christian took away everything from me. So what the hell right?

"I'll see you tonight then." I reply back and wink and turn around and leave.

Getting inside the apartment I run towards Kate and tell her what just happened! We high five to that.

"You're getting bolder Steele." Ethan says from behind.

Turning around I say, "Well I have had really good teachers."

He laughs to that. "You sure did Steele," Kate adds grinning from ear to ear.

"Now let's see what we can get you to wear for your date tonight." Ethan says and pushes me inside Kate's closet.

After a lot of changing, all three of us decide on a chic halter neck black dress that reaches just above my knees.

"Sexy Steele!" Ethan winks at me.

"I feel Sexy Ethan." I wink back at him.

He is shocked. 'Where is Ana? What have you done to her?" He says and acts as if searching for the old Ana.

"Christian killed her." I say and giggle.

Kate and Ethan still. For a moment both of them say nothing and suddenly they are hugging me and squishing me, almost choking me. It only shows how much they love and care about me.

"Just because someone walked all over you doesn't mean you have to let go of your real self Ana," Kate lectures.

"But I really like this self of me Kate. Look at me. Have you ever seen me this confident? This carefree? I feel like I have a new life. The old Ana is dead and I want her to remain dead. She was without a backbone who allowed someone to crush her and send her to the darkest pit of hell. I never want to be like that. I want to be strong and I never want to give someone the satisfaction of treating me like a puppet!" I finish and then go upto her and give her a squishing hug to reassure her that I am fine.

"Dead Ana or reincarnated Ana, you're awesome Steele. Stop with all this emotional stuff and get on with your day. It's date night and you're finally putting yourself out there. There is more to the world than Christian Grey. The guy thinks he can do whatever he wants with you, well prove him wrong. Go and conquer!" Ethan exclaims and giving me a side hug.

I just smile back at him and head towards the bathroom for a shower. I do feel good and Christian Grey lurks somewhere at the very back of my head. And I manage to dish aside all his thoughts and make myself excited about this date night. Sigh.

It's soon 8 in the evening and I see from the window that sexy hair guy is standing infront of the gate, waiting for me. I decide to head down in five minutes with a last minute check with Kate and she blows me a kiss. I wear her pair of Steve Madden shoes and grab her clutch and head downstairs. Seriously Kate, why do you love me so much? I could never repay you back for being the best girlfriend out there.

I walk out of the building door and sexy hair guy turns around and gives his sly smile. "Wow. You look hot." He compliments me.

I find myself turning red and he comes near and kisses me on cheek.

He puts his hand out for a shake and says, "Hi, I am Kevin."

"Ana," I reply and shake his hand.

Later we walk down the street and he tells me he has his car parked.

What the….

It's a Lamborghini.

"That's your car?" I ask him gaping at the car.

"I wish. But no. That is my car." He says pointing towards a Ford.

We both burst out laughing. "Oh thank God. I think I would be running back to the apartment if I found out you were rich! I am SO done with rich shits throwing stuffs at me like they owned me." I explain to him.

"Rich shit ex boyfriend?" He asks.

"Bat shit crazy!" I exclaim and we both laugh out loud and head towards his car and drive off. He seems like a nice person after all.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER- 7**

"Miss Steele just got in a stranger's car Sir." Welch slowly tells me waiting for my wrath but it doesn't come.

"Come again," I tell him.

"Miss Steele just drove off with a stranger on what seems like a date, Sir," Welch tells me again this time being more precise.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I thought it would be a shout, but it only comes out as a whisper.

Silence.

"But she's mine!" I tell more to myself than him.

No. No. No.

"Send me the address NOW!" I snap at him.

"Yes Sir." Welch replies politely.

"Taylor get the car right this minute." I order him and he doesn't seem to move. "TAYLOR!" I bark and he finally seems to come out of his reverie.

I'm about to lose it and the whole of Seattle seems to be against me. The traffic is moving so slowly. I fucking hate this universe and the universe hates me in return.

When we're at the club, it takes another 20 minutes for me to spot her in this crowded place. It's Saturday night and the whole fucking population of the city seems to be here.

I can't for my bloody sanity believe that Ana would come to a club with a total stranger and have drinks with him when she knows what alcohol does to her.

He might rape her for Heaven's sake. But by the looks of it, I don't think it would be rape after all. She seems like to be willingly give herself up to him. The guy has his arm around her waist pulling her close to him so that her breasts are up against his chest.

Darned chest! It's not my fault I have so many fucking issues. What the fuck! This isn't fair. _Hasn't anyone told you, life isn't fair you idiot. _Before it gets out of hand, I will have to do something.

I stop a waiter and tell him what he needs to keep doing. So I sit at the bar stool right across from them, hiding my face behind a menu so that Ana cant see my face. Taylor is at the door of the club, scanning the place and Ryan is standing a few feet away from me.

She is laughing and blushing and suddenly they are on the dance floor. I might have to buy this club and shut the place down so that Anastasia can't come with anyone here. He has her up against him and I cannot just sit here and tolerate this anymore.

I signal the waiter and he goes upto them with drinks for each and it puts a temporary stop to their "close dancing." It's working atleast. They are now back at the table and talking and laughing.

Every time they seems to be getting cozy, as instructed, the waiter makes up some excuse and cute in to delay the impending doom. I couldn't just sit and allow Ana to make out with some random jerk. _You left her you retard._

She. Is. Mine. Period.

Anastasia excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. And I knew now was my only chance to get rid of this asshole before she returned. I stand up and walk up to the stranger and tap him on the shoulder and he turns around.

"Yes?" He asks confused.

I put my hand forward for a shake, "Christian Grey."

He stands up and shakes my hand. "If you're Christian Grey, then I'm Kevin Spacey!" he jokes.

"Excuse me?" I say annoyed. What kind of a fool wouldn't know me? _Ana didn't know you, you fool. _Ofcourse only Anastasia could pick up bizarre random guys from the street. I recognize him now, he's the same guy from this afternoon who was hitting on MY Anastasia.

"What the fuck will Christian Grey be doing in this sort of club at this hour?" He jokes.

"Christian Grey is here to keep an eye on the guy who happens to have his claws on his girl." I hiss at him with my most menacing tone.

"Holy Shit! So you're the bat shit crazy guy Ana was talking about? The Christian Grey?" He sounds shocked.

"What did she call me?" I dare him to repeat again.

"I called you bat shit crazy!"

We all turn around to see a bat shit angry Anastasia seething and looking at me like she could kill me.

Shit.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER-8**

Christian looks scared. What? Of all the things I expected to see, never did I think I would see fear in his eyes.

Scared of me? Wow.

What the hell is he doing here anyway? I thought he couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me.

As soon as I start to calm down I finally concentrate on him. His grey eyes full of fear and his hair is long. And his stubble seems to have out grown. Huh? Oh my, this is a whole new shade of fucked up! Guess now he calls himself 1000 shades of fucked up!

The "subs" probably ain't doin' it nomore homey, my inner goddess laughs.

And suddenly I am laughing too. Small fits of laughter changed into hysteria and belly aching laughter. Somebody. Stop. Me.

Maybe I have gone crazy. This man standing infront of me has damaged me so much that of all the things I thought I would do on seeing him, laughing was not one of them.

He looks at me amused. Like I am some alien from another planet. And then I can see those grey eyes darken. Did I just see anger flicker in those eye?

He is angry at me? You've got to be kidding me! He is angry at me? Joke's on you bitch coz I ain't the same old Ana who you trampled on with those feet.

Now I am angry again.

Kevin comes and stands by my side, takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. "It's okay Ana. Rich people can be crazy like that. Let's just get out of here okay? Calm down."

Christian growls and launches himself at Kevin and call it adrenaline or whatever, but I jump in between them and God knows what came over me, I slam my knee in Christian's groin with all my little girl force. Women power, my inner goddess claps.

One minute he was attacking Kevin and the next minute he is lying on the ground.

That felt so good. I feel serenity take over me and I feel a calmness I haven't felt in a long long time. Watching him on the ground writhing in pain gives me better pleasure than an orgasm.

Wow.

Kevin looks impressed. He laughs and grabs my hand and before we know it we are out of the club and driving back towards my apartment.

"Wow Ana that was awesome." He gushes.

I laugh and tell him, "My father is an ex army. He taught me well."

"I can see that. That means I am safe with you then." He says cheekily and then winks.

I smile at him. He is a decent person. So far he hasn't tried anything with me. I feel safe. I don't think I'm ready for the whole one-night stand and throwing myself at any guy I meet phase.

I do feel better but I can't become like that. I cannot risk myself with emotional investment anymore. Right now I'll just go with casual dating and enjoying my life. Nothing more and nothing less. Time to live for myself and being a bit selfish. Selfish people seem to always have everything together and they are always happy.

And I want nothing more than to be happy from now on. I am so done with crying.

We reach my apartment and Kevin says, "Hey! Now may I get your number?"

I laugh and take his cell phone and type my number and give it to him. He grins back and gives me a quick peck on the cheeks.

"I know you have a crazy ex stalker to deal with and I understand you just got out of a bad relationship and you are not ready for more. So please don't think I will pester you into anything. You're amazing Ana. And if not anything else I would really like to be your friend and maybe when you're finally ready who knows.." He tells me and blushes.

"Thank you Kevin. You have been wonderful. I had a great time minus all the drama. I'll see you soon I guess." I tell him to reassure him I was up for friendship for now.

"Real soon Ana. Real soon." I get out of the car and he kisses my knuckles and drives off.

Sigh.

I am about to walk inside the apartment and someone grabs my hand and drags me. I didn't even have to look to know who it was. I could recognise that touch even if I was on my death bed.

I look up to see a pair of grey eyes blazing hot like hot lava.

And to match that fury, I stare at him equally angry.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER-9**

He kissed Anastasia right infront of me. How dare he? Unable to control, like always around Ana, I almost jumped at him to give him one solid punch so that he wouldn't ever dare to even come near her again.

Anastasia comes in between us and knees me.

Suddenly there is immense pain and then I couldn't breathe for some time. I fall on the ground and all I could feel was pain and both Ryan and Taylor just stood there gawking at Ana.

She really did take me down. FUCK!

I saw them fleeing the scene and Taylor and Ryan both help me up and get me inside the SUV.

"Should I drive to the hospital Sir?" Taylor asks me amusement in his eyes.

Still in pain I order him to go to Ana's apartment ASAP!

Taylor steps on the gas and we reach outside Ana's apartment in minutes and luckily there was no traffic this time. I had to get to her before she gets inside her apartment.

The pain subsides and all I can think of is how dare Anastasia knock me out infront of so many fucking people? _Obviously she kicked you, you asshole. You left her you piece of shit._

If I said I was angry, it would be an understatement. I am a ticking bomb right now and if I didn't see Ana right this minute, there will be a mass murder.

Once outside her apartment, I see both Ana and that fool talking inside the car. I get down of my car and walk towards the car. The next thing I see is her getting off the car and marching towards her building door.

Before she could get in, I grab her hand and drag her with me. She doesn't flinch and nor does she withdraw her hand from my grasp. Obviously my touch is not easy to forget and I will make sure she never does forget.

I let go of her hand after a few strides and look at her, my head almost ready to explode with anger.

And then I see her tiny self, red with fury; icy blue eyes, her body trembling almost ready to pounce and I don't think she ever looked sexier. And suddenly I feel myself getting hard right where she kneed me. Guess there hasn't been any excessive injuries after all.

"Anastasia, I…" Somehow I am at a loss of words. She is my undoing as always. I look at her short dress and then her sexy legs, they also seem flushed because of her radiating anguish.

"Anastasia WHAT?" she shouts. "What are you doing here Christian? Why are you suddenly everywhere? Disappointed to see me smiling and happy? You thought after you rejected me even though I begged you, I would still be crying over you, you piece of shit!"

I just don't know what to say anymore.

"I….I…well…I'm sorry." That is all I could say.

She laughs.

"Seriously? Now you're sorry you ASSHOLE! Three fucking months Christian, THREE FUCKING MONTHS!" She screams with all her strength.

I am stunned and speechless. This I did not anticipate.

It starts to drizzle slowly.

"Anastasia please..." I try to say something and reach for her but she backs away. Now she is even repulsed by my touch? I guess I do deserve that. _Now you know how she felt all the time you didn't let her touch you!_

"Don't Christian, just don't," her voice cracks and I can see her resolve coming down. All the time spent for her to muster up all those courage to finally start being happy again and I am breaking her down again.

"But.." You're mine. She doesn't let me finish the whole sentence as she silences me with her hand. She doesn't want to even hear a sentence from my mouth. I feel frustrated and all I want to do is hold her and comfort her and kiss her and go down on my knees and ask her for forgiveness. But I can't even do that because it would ruin my whole purpose of letting her go in the first place.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Frustrated I look up in the sky, asking God to show some sign and show me a way past this. But obviously God hates me too for my black soul.

I look down at her and we stand, our eyes locked, gray to the most beautiful shade of blue.

And I don't know how long we stay there just looking at each other, taking our fill of the three months long gap.

"Happy Birthday Christian." Ana says and I look at my watch to see the date and I see it's past midnight already.

Before I could say anything, I see Ethan running out of the building and standing beside her.

I glare at him for turning up at the most inappropriate time. I try to get close to her. She looks as if she is going to cry but she doesn't. Ethan stands between us and glares at me. He turns around and engulfs her in a hug and leads her inside the building, hugging her all the way.

I just stand there.

I feel lost. Ana has never seemed more distant and far away from me than she seemed while she was staring at me with those sad and cold eyes and I deserved every bit of it.

I never even told her sorry after Taylor carried her out of my apartment. I just disappeared from her life like I never existed. It's true I did not, but she doesn't know I have been keeping an eye on her. Atleast for the past three months I knew about her, what she did and how she was doing. She did not know anything about me. I just vanished from her life without even asking for forgiveness or an explanation.

I know I left her for her safety because life with me is like waiting for the next impending doom, but the way I left her was not right. _Hallelujah, finally you jerk._

Everyday I had her updates, but she had nothing to go on. She survived the pain all on her own.

I killed her. I took away her innocence. I took away everything from her.

I deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to me or will happen to me in the future. I deserve to be scorned at by the world. I only deserve to be left alone.

I hate myself even more.

It starts pouring heavily now and I still can't make myself move. My legs give up and I slouch on my knees infront of her building. All hopes lost and I don't know how long I sit there in the rain before Taylor comes and drags me to the car.

I have to make it right by her. But how?


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER-10**

I sit on the couch of our apartment with Ethan and he has his arms around me and I am leaning against his chest.

Thankfully he doesn't talk. I don't want to talk. Even though I am teary-eyed, the tears don't roll down my cheeks. Even my tears know not to fall for him.

It's like my mind has turned off something that doesn't let anything affect me deeply anymore. I feel like a shallow person these days. But I just can't do it anymore. The way my heart has been twisted and ripped apart, I don't think I could ever be the same or feel the same.

I thought seeing Christian would tear me apart, but here I am not even crying. Just overwhelmed I think. It's not that I don't miss him or I have forgotten about him. He's always there at the back of my mind but it's just that I can't seem to care anymore and I don't want to.

The first month after the break-up was horrible. The never-ending sobs and loss of appetite. I lost the will to live. Christian ran in my veins and crawled on my skin. Twice Kate walked on me when I tried to slit my wrist just to numb the pain of my broken heart with an overpowering physical pain.

I can never ever, for my own sanity, let anyone do that to me again. Slowly I made my way back to life and locked my heart and threw the key somewhere where no one can find it.

Past few weeks have been great. I mended slowly but effectively. Now I don't have a heart to worry about to be broken or stepped on.

Now it was only about living in the moment.

Kate is spending the night with Elliot because the whole family planned something for Christian's birthday. Kate didn't want to go but I made her go since Christian and her are going to be family soon. I can't let her jeopardize her relationship with her in-laws because of me and the Greys have always been so welcoming to me.

They adored me, to the point where they all blocked Christian out only so that he would realize what he did and would take me back. But they didn't really know Christian much. Plus they were so sad for cutting out Christian like that but Christian Grey was Christian Grey. So, why not just give up and reconcile because nothing's going to change anyway.

I don't even know how long we have been sitting like this but I feel so in peace. There have been days when Ethan sat with me like this throughout the night while I sobbed in his arms and later fell asleep in his arms just sitting like this and he would never wake me up. He would just hold me so that I don't wake up again and start crying all over again.

Ethan radiates positivity. I feel safe in his arms knowing he would never let any harm come to me. In these past three months he has become a better friend to me than Kate.

Both Ethan and Kate is my lifeline. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such friends in my life. But they are here and I am glad. He slowly rocks me back and forth in his arms like all the other times and I soon slip into deep slumber knowing Ethan is watching over me.

Suddenly I wake up to some movement in the apartment. I was still in Ethan's arms and he has his arms wrapped around me like a shield protecting me from everything. Very slowly I disentangle myself from him and stand up to go to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Before going, I put a blanket over him on the couch and kiss on his forehead, mentally thanking him for being my best friend and praying to God to always bless him and keep him happy.

And I feel someone grab my left arm and turn me around and clasp my mouth so that I don't scream.

I see furious gray eyes boring into me.

Christian? How on Earth did he get inside my apartment? Ofcourse he has keys to this apartment. How stupid of me to even question his stalking abilities.

Once he knows I won't scream he removes his palm from my mouth and just holds me by the arms. After sometime he drags me to my room and locks the door.

"What the hell are you doing here Christian?" I hiss at him whispering.

"Are you in love with the Kavanaugh boy, Anastasia?" He asks me his voice hoarse.

"Shhh.. You'll wake Ethan up and I don't want a brawl here so late at night."

"Answer me Goddammit." He demands in return.

"Well no." I reply.

"No you don't love him or no you won't answer me?"

I just shrug in return.

"What are you doing here Christian?" I ask again trying to sound as normal as I can.

"My parents and siblings were in Escala when I returned to wish me on my birthday and Miss Kavanaugh was there as well." He simply says.

That is when it dawns me that he is here because he knows Ethan and I are alone in this apartment.

I just keep quiet because I really have nothing to say to this and mostly because I am so tired and I don't have the energy to fight at this moment. So I just look at him uninterested.

"Are you just going to stare at me?" He asks now amusement in his eyes.

I shrug again. I am sleepy and my bed looks so welcoming right now.

"Too much drama for one day. Please Christian let me sleep. I am so tired and I don't have time for your shit anymore so just leave the way you came in and let me be like the past three months." I yawn when I finish and go to the closet to change.

Once I return I am shocked to still find him in my room.

Even my inner goddess and subconscious are snoozing. I roll my eyes at him and get inside my bed. I am so exhausted by all the emotional turmoil tonight that I really have no strength to fight him at this moment.

"Lock the apartment door from inside while you step out of the door." I say and close my eyes.

"Anastasia may I just sit here on this chair and watch you while you sleep? We can talk when you wake up and you'll find me here."

I just mumble an okay and slip off into abyss.


	11. Chapter 11

**The updates are going to be slower from now on. I posted 11 chapters in 3 days because I knew I would be a little busy for a couple of days but I'll try my best to update at the earliest.**

**And all of you who are waiting for them both to talk it out soon and be together, you guys will have to wait. This time it's not going to come so easily to Christian. **

**CHAPTER-11**

I love watching her sleep. It definitely tops all my other hobbies including flying, soaring and sailing.

She's mumbling something in her sleep but I can't quite make out the words so I go a little closer. I sit on the floor and lean against the bed placing my head on the edge of the mattress. She is lying at the edge of the bed turned right so our noses are touching.

I can feel her breath on my face. I stop breathing just in case she wakes up. And I have a feeling if I disturb her, she might attack me and the thought of her kneeing me comes to my mind. I cannot help but smile at that.

My feisty little Ana. She could always take care of herself, I wonder why I never trusted her. Ray taught her well. If only I placed my faith in her, maybe then we could have avoided all of this. Getting kneed on my balls is what took me to realize this. _Loser!._

She looks like an angel sleeping.

Maybe I could give her a kiss on the lips? She doesn't have to know. It'll be my secret.

Taking in a deep breath I muster up the courage and slightly brush my lips with hers. She frowns and I freeze in my spot. Please don't wake her up. She will kill me. Please don't wake her up. She will kill me. I repeat in my head. Then I see a small smile playing on her lips and she mumbles my name.

"Christian."

Just this one word from her and I feel tears roll down my cheeks. I just let them fall, all my pent up emotions. I am such a fucker to let her go. I could just increase security for her to keep her safe. Or move SIP to Grey House when all the procedures would have been done. Then I could keep an eye on her all the time. Have her safe by my side. But obviously my fifty shaded, full of shit head overpowers all reason all the time and I end up making rash decisions.

She seems so changed though. But I know my Ana is still down there somewhere. It won't be easy that I can say because I know she's built The Great Wall of China around her heart and getting past that wall is going to take all of my being. I'll get there though. I am Christian Grey and I don't give up or else I wouldn't be where I am today.

All I need to practice on is my patience. I am an impatient man. But one wrong move and Anastasia will flip and we'll be back to square one. I have to take it very _very_ slow with her this time. No rushing like the last time we were together. I am going to woo her in the rightful manner. Give her the normal life she deserves. Yes, there will always be the jealousy and protectiveness but I will give it time. I will work on it and try to change for my Ana.

My Anastasia. Mine. ONLY MINE.

I continue to stare at her and I don't know when I fall asleep our nose touching and her hand in mine.

Sitting in the same position all night is giving me a backache and that's what has me waking up.

I sit up straight and stretch and…

Death stare.

Ana is giving me the death stare. Cold blue eyes dancing on fire.

Fuck. She's angry.

I stand up and retreat. She looks like a wild tiger ready to pounce on me.

"Calm down Anastasia. It's okay," I tell her softly as if talking to a wild animal that is ready to eat me. Although I would want her to eat me, but in some other way. _Shut up you pervert._

She just keeps on fuming and taking deep breaths as if trying to calm down.

After about five minutes of glaring she says, "What?"

"What?" I say in return confused. That's it just what?

She shrugs waiting for me to continue. I feel so frustrated at her I-don't-give-a-damn-about-you attitude and I want to shake her and ask her to bring back my Ana.

"I was hoping maybe we could talk?" I ask her casually, my voice almost a whisper.

"Tell me," she says ever so uncaringly and her face looks so uninterested.

Oh my God what have I done to her?

Ethan shouts from outside of her room, "Steele I am heading out and I'll have breakfast on my way. You rest and call me if you need me."

Thank God the fucker's gone.

She doesn't even reply to him.

Minutes tick by and we are back to square one and just staring at each other. I want to cry in frustration cause she won't budge and I don't know how to talk to some robot.

"So how are you?" I ask and then curse myself for being such a dumb fuck.

"That's what you're here for? Exchange pleasantries?" She mocks me.

"Not really. But I don't know what to say to you. You're just… well you're just you and I'm just me and this fucking world is fucking with me.." God I need to stop. What am I even saying? _Retard._

Now she is just sitting with her arms on her chest, but there's a change in eyes. She looks amused. Atleast she's not angry anymore.

"I don't have all day Christian. Some of us work for a living and I have to get to work. Not everyone is a billionaire who has everything at their beck and call."

"You're making me nervous. And I have so much to talk about. You need to stay calm and please listen to me. Please Anastasia," I urge her to just listen.

"Go on then," she rolls her eyes at me.

I sit on the bed so that we're facing each other.

"Please Anastasia, please stay calm. I am begging you," I plead with her and when I see no response I start explaining.

"That night after I saw Leila had her gun pointed at you, it was like my worst nightmare had come true. Thank god she didn't pull the gun on you Ana or else I don't know what I would have done. All I want is to protect you and keep you from every harm that could even slightly touch you. You're with me right?"

She just nods.

"You have to understand where I come from Anastasia. I care about people and they get snatched away from me. So I always want to keep my loved ones safe. I don't know what it is, an obsession maybe but I can't help it. My drive to protect the people around me controls me."

Another nod. Sigh.

"So after coming back to Escala that night I was frantic and you seemed lost and I didn't know what to do. All I could think of was I needed to keep you safe. And please believe me when I say this that other options never came to my mind. The only thing that night I could think of was to let you go. I thought maybe if you stayed away from my life, you would be safe. Please believe me Ana, that's what I believed until the night I saw you drunk with those two assholes."

She cuts me in, "Those two assholes are a big reason I am alive, sane and sitting here and listening to your rubbish. Go on."

Fuck. Everything I say and that's what she responds to?

I continue, "You have to understand Anastasia, I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving you. And I know I should have trusted you when you kept on telling me you were more than capable of protecting yourself because Ray trained you. But being the control freak I am I never paid heed to anything you said. I am sorry Anastasia. Please forgive me. Come back to me. I love you."

There I said it. I'm done with the worst part.

I concentrate on her face. I see her expression changing from a scowl to anger to confusion and then poker. Huh? She's gone blank on me and I cannot figure out what is going on in her mind.

Poker face.

Worst possible reaction. _Did you think_ _she'll sit and suck your lollipop?_

And just when I thought nothing could be worse than her blank expression, he lunges at me.

Pulling my hair.

"AAAAAAAA…Anastasia….STOP IT! It's hurting….my hair…..OW!" I am trying to pull her hands off from my hair but she doesn't let go and the more I try the stronger her grip gets.

"Take that you son of a bitch!" She says and pulls on my hair with all her might.

"WHAT THE FUCK…STOP IT!" She is behaving like a wayward monkey. I wonder how many hair has she managed to pull of by now. I hope i don't go bald.

Oh my God.

I have created a monster. _You're the monster._

Having no other way, I start tickling her, like really tickle her.

She loosens her grip on my hair and I somehow manage to pin her down beneath me on the bed and grasp her hands with my right hand and shut her mouth my left hand because I know she will start screaming if nothing else.

We stare at each other glaring. Anastasia moves her head from trying to free her mouth from my palms.

"I will let go if you promise not to act like a monkey."

Scowl.

Oh how I want to kiss her forehead and ease her stress. But I decide bot to irk her any more. She might just knee me again and this time I don't know if my balls have the power to endure it again. I might just become impotent. _As you should be._

After deliberating a few moments she seems to calm down as her breathing relaxes a bit. I move my hand from her mouth and move a few strands of hair that was coming on her face.

"Move," she orders.

"Not until you promise to talk like human beings," I counter attack.

"Fine, I'll act like a human. For now," she adds and I let her go. She is standing up in seconds and walks out of her room and into the sitting area of the apartment.

She slouches on the couch with her head on her hands as if to think about what just happened.

"I don't want you Christian. Everything you said to me just goes over my head. It's all so heavy. And I don't want heavy in my life anymore, not right now atleast. I'm just getting out of the darkness. Right now I want lights and fireworks in my life. You are just more darkness than light. I loved you with all my being Christian, so much that I am ruined for everyone else including you."

I stop breathing. But I don't say anything in case she stops talking. This is the longest she has talked since we met again.

"I don't even know what I want anymore. I want to go explore the world, experience new things, live in adrenaline. And I really don't want to think about all the stuffs you just told me in there," she says pointing towards her bedroom.

"That's just not me anymore. I don't know maybe one day, but not right now. Right now I am just damaged goods Christian. Maybe whatever you did was to protect me and all your blah blah blah but I just cannot let myself feel again. After what I have been through, I will move heaven and earth to never feel like that and I will never depend on someone else for my happiness. I almost killed myself Christian, I tried to slit my wrists TWICE so that the pain would go away. I don't know if you are right or if you are wrong or whatever you are with your fifty shades but right now I want only one shade in my life and that is happiness. Yes you made me happy and you were the core of my existence and my world revolved around you but I can never trust you. Your business rivals may start pulling bazookas over me and you'll start leaving me every single time."

I just stand there not knowing what to say. She doesn't trust me one bit. What do I do?

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

And just like that she sums all her feelings in one phrase. _You deserve every single bit of this hurt, asshole.  
_


	12. Chapter 12

**I never noticed, my Microsoft word has somehow been auto correcting Kavanagh (I have no idea how) -_- it's spelled Kavanaugh in all my chapters. I apologize.**

**CHAPTER 12**

He is just standing there not knowing what to say. I can tell he is frustrated. He told me he wants me and I just want to laugh. When did I ever get this strong? If he were here two months back, I would have taken him back in a heartbeat. But now it's different.

I am different.

Gone is that emotional fool and coward.

This is another person altogether. A person, who has suffered heartbreak and humiliation. A person, whose ability to trust has been squeezed out of her system. A person who will forever shy away from all matters of the heart, including Christian Grey.

How times have changed. I don't know if I will ever want to be in a relationship again.

I am unfixable and while I don't hate Christian, but I'm not so sure if it is love I feel for him either. It wasn't his fault alone. I loved too much, cared too much, and I faced consequences as a result.

Christian has his own trust issues to deal with first. And I have, nor the patience or love to sit and fix him. Heck, I need someone else to fix me instead.

Right now I am just a shell of a person and I don't want to change in the foreseeable future. Plus it's not so bad living like this. I finally have a secured job and the Kavanaghs have more than been generous, even Kate and Ethan's parents. They treat me like one of them.

He comes and sits beside me. His eyes look tortured. I want to feel bad for him, I really do but somehow I don't. I'm far too damaged to empathize with him.

"I'm sorry I acted so rashly and pulled your hair. I just wanted to somehow let go of those pent up anger I had for you, I guess. I wasn't planning on it," I tell him.

After a few moments he replies with a sly smile, "It's ok Ana. I guess I did deserve it. Atleast you spared my balls this time."

I chuckle.

"That felt _really_ good." And we both laugh at that.

"So?" He asks giving me carte blanche to decide where we go from here.

"Christian I hope you understand where I'm coming from and now is not a good time. It may never be a good time," I say trying to keep my side clear so that he does not have any hopes up.

"I know," he says more to himself than to me.

"Why are you suddenly so in love with me again? Sub club not doing it for you anymore?" I joke.

"I was never out of love with you to be in love with you again. And there hasn't been any subs either. I never meant it when I told you that I wanted subs and not you. It was to get you away from me. I am ruined for anyone else as much as you Anastasia," he simply says.

Not wanting to dwell in the matter any further, I try and change the subject of discussion. Somehow I have lost my ability for heavy and fully loaded emotional pondering. I just can't.

"How did you get inside the apartment?" I ask him, having full knowledge of his stalker-ish tendencies.

"Well I had Taylor make duplicate keys after the Leila incident."

I don't understand, if he had already made up his mind to leave me then why the keys?

"You left me so why would you need keys? I mean you wouldn't know if I was in any kind of danger to barge in and rescue the damsel in distress. Right?"

Christian shifts on the couch not looking at me.

The bastard has been keeping an eye on me.

"Christian!" I gasp now fully comprehending the situation.

"I need to know you're safe," he says nonchalantly.

"You have no right!" my voice is rising and I can feel my temper coming back. My inner goddess tsks and my subconscious shake her head in disapproval.

"Well I don't care if I have no right. I will have you followed until you're 100 years old and crippled enough to not walk around to cause yourself any harm. I will always keep you safe Ana," he simply says as if he were reading the newspaper.

"You need to get yourself fixed Grey! And I don't want you meddling around in my affairs. I will go to the police for violation of privacy," I snap at him and glare putting my arms across my chest.

"Try me."

A challenge.

"Fine. Once Ethan is here, I'll take him to the cops with me. It's not just me you're violating the privacy of. It's also him and Kate," I smirk, knowing full well that this time he will have no other option but to back off as Kate will lash out on him in the media.

"Miss Steele, you are as exasperating as ever. I want my birthday gift," saying that he pulls me toward him and gives me a kiss.

I try to push him away, but he has my arms clasped in his hand. My strength is no match against his tight grip.

He lets go of me and I see his lips curve in a smile. I scowl.

"Mine."

He stands and leaves.

My inner goddess is still swooning after the kiss and my subconscious just scowls at her.

Oh Christian, what am I going to do with you? I feel so frustrated. I decide not to think about what just happened and start getting ready for work. Atleast work will keep my mind off of things and later when we are home I'll talk to Ethan and Kate about what happened.

Once at work, I forget all that has happened early morning and concentrate solely on my work.

At lunch break, everyone seems to be talking about a weekend getaway to the Hamptons. This has me very excited. I quickly call Kate to let her know that I would like for us to join the rest of the "gang" too and on Kate's affirmation, I felt like I was on the moon.

So excited.

Deciding not to tell either Kate or Ethan about my confrontation with Christian, as it would sour their mood for a great getaway, I call Ethan, Jose and also Kevin to check if they were available next weekend. Kevin is great and I would really like for him to be friendly with my friends so that we can all hang out together once we are back in Seattle after the trip.

Kate will handle all the reservations and planning. Finally something I look forward to.

Even next day at work, I have this glow on my face. I am beaming with joy. It would be my first trip to the Hamptons.

Beep. There's a text message on my cell phone.

Christian. Do I even want to know how he got my new number? My inner goddess purrs. _Lousy little romantic,_ I taunt my inner goddess.

**May I know the reason of your infectious smile, Miss Steele?**

Christian. He's here and he's stalking. I look around trying to find him but I don't. My good mood just evaporating in thin air and I decide not to reply back.

Again. Beep.

**No reply? That is very bad manners, Miss Steele. Don't fret, I'm not stalking, just a meeting with Mr. Kavanagh.**

Ignorance is bliss, I tell myself and put my phone on silent and put it inside my bag, so that I won't be distracted by him.

I am typing this new article when a tap on my shoulder startles me. The pen dangling from my mouth is removed by sleek long manicured fingers, that i recognize immediately and look up into smouldering gray eyes.

"I thought you said you weren't stalking Christian!" I snap at him feeling irritated by his never-ending megalomaniac characteristics.

"I wouldn't if you would have the decency to reply. You know, I vowed that I would be patient with you, but somehow around you, all my self control is out the window and I am acting like a love sick puppy," he tries to clear his part but I know better.

"Oh please stop with all your BS!"

"BS?" he questions.

"Bull shit," he tests my patience every single time.

"You think my feelings are nothing but crap?" he glares at me. Suddenly I am being pulled to the nearest exit and backed against the wall.

"Let's remind you how utterly bull shit your self restraint against me is," he smirks and leans in for a kiss.

Just as our lips are about to come in contact, someone bursts through the door.

"Err. I'm sorry; I didn't know this place was occupied. I was just here for a cigarette break," he tries to hide his embarrassment.

Christian curses the man loud enough for me to hear but not the man. He takes his leave and taking this opportune moment as an advantage I move away from him.

"Next time you try anything like this Grey, I am calling the security, or worse I'll release an article saying you were trying to force yourself on me."

Christian's lips presses into a hard line. He is not happy to hear that.

"You and your defiance will be the end of me Anastasia."

"I am not yours to be the end of you," I remind him.

"But you will be."

Giving me his panty-dropping smile, he turns around and leaves.

Motherfucker.

On our way back to the apartment, all three of us decide on a Chinese takeout. The car is parked on the next block. We are all engrossed in an excited conversation of our Hamptons trip and none of us notice the car heading towards me.

Suddenly I am pulled from the incoming car and look up to see a stiff looking man. He's obviously a hired CPO. This is how Christian has his eyes on me.

"What the hell," Ethan comes between us and murmurs a Thank You to the CPO not knowing he is one.

"Are you okay Ana?" Kate asks worried.

"I'm fine." I look around and see the man has disappeared again. How the hell do they do that?

Atleast the CPO was put to good use finally. I know if I tell my friends, their mood will go down the drain and I don't want to dampen their spirits before the Hamptons trip. For now all I can think about is Thursday. We all are flying late Thursday taking a one-day leave from work for our trip. Perks of knowing the boss' daughter.

On Wednesday, waking up, I see five missed calls from Christian. Why why why? Why is he doing this? Can't he see for once I am trying so hard to be happy? I look up and shout at the ceiling, "Why is it always me? Why can't you let me be happy like just any other normal person?"

I feel so low that I decide to call my parents.

First I call mom but I guess she is busy as she goes to voice mail. I decide to leave a message.

"Hey mom just called to let you know I am going to the Hamptons on Thursday night for a weekend with all my friends from work. Love you mom. Take care."

Next I call Ray, he picks up after three rings.

"Hey Annie! What's up?" Ray asks.

"Hey daddy!" I squeal like a little girl, my good mood returning as soon as I hear him. "Guess what? I am going to the Hamptons for a trip with all my friends. Isn't it great?" I tell him not being able to undermine my excitement.

"That's great baby girl," he says his voice so gentle and calm. He has been treating me like a 2 year old ever since Kate informed him I tried to slit my wrists.

I chuckle at the way he calls me baby girl. As much as I'd like to remind him I am a grown up, I don't because I love him adoring me like a baby.

Kevin comes over to the apartment that evening to get to know both Ethan and Kate so that it won't be awkward the next day. We stay in and chat and order pizza and cheap beer.

It feels so normal.

Thursday night couldn't come any sooner. The day whisked by in a flash. Maybe it's all the excitement.

Packing all the good bikinis, shorts and tops I have, I throw in 2 nice dresses I had acquired one day when Kate dragged me to the store with her.

We're all the at the airport flying in coach since the whole crew wants to fly together. Ethan and Kate are also joining us so that we all could fly together.

As I watch the plane run through the tarmac, I feel butterflies in my stomach.

Both my inner goddess and subconscious hi-five.

Let the fun times roll in.


	13. Chapter 13

**We'll pretend this is 2014 and Ana and Christian met at the beginning of the year, that way his birthday would seem plausible after 3 months of the break-up LOL **

**CHAPTER- 13**

For the past three months I have practically avoided everyone. Unless and until I had no way out, I even avoided business meetings and had Ros take care of everything. Ros was not happy ofcourse but she knew me enough to not cross me in this situation. Without Ana nothing appealed to me anymore. I needed a fix and so after 3 months, I decide to call Elena, not knowing if it's a mistake because Ana abhorred her. But I needed someone to confide in and there wasn't anyone else I could think of as of now because Flynn was away with his family.

Picking up my blackberry, I call Elena and exactly after the second ring she picks up.

"Christian?" comes her shocking answer to my call.

"Hello Elena. Hope this isn't a bad time?" I inquire.

"Not at all Christian. I'm just surprised you called. You have been MIA for the past few months," she sounds disheartened? Huh? I must be imagining things.

"I know. I've been caught up in a lot of things and the break-up with Ana is not sitting well with me," I couldn't keep the hurt from my voice even if I wanted to.

"What you need right now is a submissive to get some steam off. I'm sure once you're back in action, the little girl will be out of your mind in no time."

"Her name is Anastasia. Mind your tongue Elena," I warn her.

"Ofcourse Christian. I just wanted to…" cutting her off I say, "I think it was a mistake calling you Elena. I will not hear a word against her and I do not want anything to do with the word submissive anymore! Goodbye Elena," I hang up on her face before she could even reply back.

I look down at the photos on my table. Ana was at the Hampton's with her friends. She is having fun, while I'm here, sitting in my study in the dark, sulking.

Like Ana says, my "stalker" tendencies got to me and I was on my way to the Hamptons as well. But on my way to the airfield, I decided against it and reasoned myself to give Ana some time to herself. Maybe if she was done with her so called "enjoyment" she would come back to me quicker. That's what she wanted right now and I can give it to her as long as the end would result her in my arms for the rest of our lives.

See, I can be reasonable too. _Yeah right dickhead._

There's a beep on my phone and I know it must be updates on Ana. Okay maybe not _that_ reasonable, but it's something to go on. I take a look at my watch and realize it has been a bit over 2 hours since her last update. Taking the phone I open the folder and I see several pictures attached in the mail sent to me by Joseph, her CPO.

Shit.

"Get the jet ready NOW! We are leaving right away," barking at Taylor on the phone and picking up my whatever I need from the study table, I walk out the room. _Reasonable my ass!_

Anastasia, what am I going to do with you?

Looking down at his phone, he goes through the pictures again.

Ana is wearing skimpy clothing. The fool, Kevin has his arms around her waist in more than one picture. There is one picture where Ethan, Jose and Kevin are crushing her and she is laughing. Murderous rage doesn't come close to what I feel right now. Those skimpy clothes make her look so hot, they are giving me a hard on by just looking at the pictures. I can only imagine the other vultures, all those miles away trying every moment to dig in their claws in her.

I know Elliot has joined them by now as he was in the same flight but in first class so that he could surprise his fiancé as soon as they landed at the airport. Obviously now the girl would be too busy with my brother to keep a check on Ana and her safety. The only reason I tolerated that incessant woman's behaviour was because she genuinely cared about my Ana and also because of my brother.

The time couldn't pass any slower. The whole flight was dragging and every passing second felt like years. I run my hand through my hair in exasperation. My love for this girl will one day kill me. I live every second of my life worrying about Ana and she doesn't seem to grasp the severity of my emotions. If only Ana could just discern, but then I don't blame her.

She is too inexperienced. She hasn't seen life and hasn't dealt with hardships like me. It is her age and limited exposure and knowledge of the bad that confines her perspective. As much as I am glad that she never had to face any sort of adversity, and I am here now to make sure that she never has to face any calamities, it is still frustrating because it is the same reason she does not understand my predicaments.

Leaning back on the seat, I try to sleep as I know this weekend is about to be the death of me in trying to keep Ana away from other fuckers.

Ever since Ana was gone, the nightmares came back with a vengeance. My life was in circles again.

Go to bed. Nightmare. Wake up. Piano.

Thinking about my woes, I fall into a restless slumber only to be awakened up by Taylor after what seems like five minutes.

"We're about to land Sir," Taylor informs and goes back to his seat. I check my watch and see it wasn't five minutes but five and a half hours.

Taylor had already rented a car for us. It's the Mercedes Benz S65 AMG. I'll have to admit I am very impressed. Must get this car for Ana when I get back. I did read the safety features of this car a few days back and it would be perfect for Anastasia.

Driving through the Hamptons, I can see why most people come here for a getaway. Maybe I can get a place here for Ana and myself. I like the sound of that. Me and Ana living together in our own house, I could get used to it. Very much so.

Getting out of the car, I stride quickly inside the big house they rented for the weekend. No one seems to be there. Odd. Suddenly I hear the sound of music and splash.

The pool.

Slowly making my way to the backyard, I take a peak from behind a pillar so that no one notices me.

My worst nightmare. Worse than the pimp beating me up.

Ana wearing bikini, carried around by the Kavanagh boy with some other man I don't even know and being thrown inside the pool so that other fuckers can catch her. What is she a ball to play "catch" with? The other girls are being thrown in the same manner as well, but why her too?

All I see is red and I want to spank the fucking daylights out of Ana.

Maybe it wasn't such a great idea for me to come here after all. Turning around I walk away and decide to go back to my hotel. Standing here watching Ana having "fun" with other men will have me go on a killing spree and I don't want to spend my life in jail while Ana is out in the big bad world on her own. I hate she has so much control over my fucking mind. When it comes to her, I lose my ability to reason. Losing reason automatically outcomes into losing control. And history says, losing control does not bode well with me, that is when I start making a mess of everything. Like I did our relationship.

It was perfect until I went and fucked it up by myself. Fucking hell, there were so many other ways to protect Ana by us still being together. But I went ahead and anal fucked us. Now I don't even know if it's too late. Looking at her now, I don't know if my old Ana is even alive there somewhere.

I don't know what to do. I needed my Ana back.

My Ana. ONLY MINE.

For that I will have to tread very carefully. She is anything but vulnerable now. I'll have to bed her. Nothing else comes to mind. I know she can never resist me. I can only rely on her hormones now.

All I have to do is remind her how great the sex was. IS. There is one thing in this world I am certain of, if not about anything else. I know how to have sex and pleasure my woman.

Now that I know my goal, I'll have to start with setting objectives. First I'll have to get to that place invited via Elliot looking every bit the Christian Grey that Anastasia drools over and next fucking her mind into coming back to me.

"Elliot I am here in Long Island for a meeting and it's over. I thought I'd stay here for some sightseeing. Care to join me?" I know he won't and ask me to go there and join them instead. He knows I'm miserable and is rooting for us both to get back together, against his fiancé's wishes.

"Christian! That's great you're here. I don't think I can make it but let me text you the address here so you can come join us," I smirk on the other side of the phone knowing very well that he can't see and wait to reply to show my apprehension.

"Fine. Text me the address. I'll come over."

"Oh and Christian, Ana's here too."

"I know Elliot."

"I mean like, umm, she's having fun." I can hear the warning in his voice. He's warning me off so that I don't get agitated.

"I'll be there in an hour." I reply ignoring his warning.

"Laters."

The house, the crew rented was quite nice. The garden was lovely and from whatever I remember of the backyard, it was exquisite. Perfect to throw pool parties round the year. Thinking of my Ana lounging with so many fuckers out there puts me in a foul mood before I even get there.

I hate them all.

I enter the living area and see everyone slouched on the couches, ready to hit the beach. I am wearing a white polo shirt with my collar up and khaki shirts that reach just above my knees. The girls are eyeing me as if they have never seen a male species before.

Idiots.

I look everywhere but no one that I recognize seems to be in the room. Suddenly the fucker Kevin barges in the room sees me and halts. Followed by him are the other two fuckers, Ethan and the photographer. I scowl at them.

They scowl in return. How dare they? My blood boils. _Did you expect them to throw you a damn parade?_

Elliot walks in with Ana and Kate. He comes over me and slaps my back hard.

"What's up bro? It's good to see you wearing these clothes. I don't remember the last time I saw you go so casual."

I see Ana shocked. She obviously wasn't expecting me. Beside her is her ever frowning best friend. I walk over to them. Ana is still immobilized by her shock. I like it when I can stun her.

Smirking I lean down and kiss her on her cheeks. "it's good to see you baby. Elliot here invited me over as I was in town for a meeting with one of the realtors." I try to sound as convincing as I can.

But I know Ana is no fool. She obviously is cursing me under her breath, knowing full well that I am here only for her. Very well. I don't mind that she knows. I fully intend on her knowing as by the end of the day she will be with me in my bed.

Elliot asks everyone to be ready with all their belongings for the beach. Taking my cue, I pull over my polo shirt so that I am bare from the top.

Ana gasps. And so does all other ladies including Katherine Kavanagh.

Yes.

Ana catches a quick glance at all other gaping female in the living room and goes green with envy. There's nothing to be jealous baby. I am only yours. And soon you will be mine again.

Our eyes meet and I know it's working. She's blushing. Deep red flashes on her cheeks. She wants me. Her lips part and I can see the tip of her tongue. I can feel my dick harden already and the Herculean effort it takes me to not kiss her is immense. With great difficulty I walk back to Elliot and stand beside him with aching balls. I needed release.

The photographer holds her hands and practically drags her out with him. His death is in my hands no doubt. But maybe some other day. Today I cannot lose my temper, nor my focus from the actual goal.

By tonight she will be mine again.

And I will fuck her into next year to make up for lost time.


	14. Chapter 14

**I have been soooo busy with real life and I will be getting busier. So from now on I will chapters with both C and A's POV together. Please review :)**

**CHAPTER-14**

**ANA**

Lying here on the beach and looking up at the stars feels _nice. _

"Drunk much Steele?" Suddenly Ethan comes and lies down beside me, his face is split in a grin.

"Very."

"You just wouldn't stop. What got into you? I've never seen you like that. And the way you danced. Fucking sexy."

I just laugh and feel my face going hot. I'm sure it's red like a tomato. We just lie there side by side not saying anything. Now that I'm pissed drunk and lying here with nothing to think about, the thought of Christian takes over my mind. And the kiss we shared. Boy was he furious! Why did he even come here if he couldn't see me enjoy with a bunch of my friends. I wasn't going around humping everybody. Geez. He makes me feel like some slut who can't wait to get laid. I was just dancing and drinking. I'm trying to be normal. Why can't he get it? And what was up with him taking his t-shirt off when he knew there were going to be hundreds, if not thousands, of people at the beach.

I can't help but laugh thinking how quickly he put the t-shirt back on when he saw soooo many people on the beach. But now I feel sad because I know it was because he was afraid someone would touch either his back or chest. I don't know if I could ever love him like before, but I would always care about him. I know he wants me back. But I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship again. Not with anyone. Not right now. I want to live, learn to love myself before I allow myself to love someone else again. One thing I know, I am never going to allow myself to be so vulnerable. I will work on my issues.

For once I want to live for myself only. I have always been taking care of others. I don't want to live like that anymore. Right now, even if it is for a few days, I just want to take care of myself, be selfish, do stupid things, try new things and be the teenager I never was. Okay maybe not so much a teenager, but I could just be like any other 21 year old. It's not been long since I finished school and the whole thing with Christian has been too much for me.

I quit SIP first thing after the break-up. Right now I'm working at Kavanagh Media. It's great. Kate and Ethan's parents have been nothing but wonderful accepting me like their own. And the pay is good too. I've saved a lot of money these past three months. Which is why I could afford this trip in the first place. They Greys have also been so nice. When I was at my worst, Grace and Mia would visit me almost everyday.

"You know he really loves you," Ethan's words startle me out of my thoughts.

"Ethan…" I start but he cuts me off taking my hand, turning towards me and with his right palm cupping my right cheek he tells me, "Just know this that no matter what you choose, me and Kate will always be there for you. We love you and we want you to be nothing more than happy. If your happiness lies with him then just be with him. Don't think about what me or Jose or Kate or anyone else is going to think. It has to be your decision Ana. Only yours. Any fool can see that he loves you like crazy and will do everything in his power to get you back. We may not approve of him but that is because he hurt you, if he keeps you happy then we will have no problem with him. All we want is your happiness. That's what matter. Nothing else."

Suddenly I am overcome with his words. I have such great friends. And loving parents. There are so many people out there who don't have what I have. And I don't know what's going to happen with me and Christian and I don't want to think about it either. I just want to thank God that I have so many people in my life who love me for what I am. I roll and cuddle Ethan and lie with my head on his chest as a gesture of hugging him since we are lying on the beach.

"Thanks for being there for me Ethan. You and Kate mean so much to me and I don't think I could ever repay you guys for what you both did for me. If not for you I don't think I would have survived. You guys are my strength," I say sincerely.

"Is that the alcohol talking? I should have recorded it in case you forget this in the morning," I laugh and slap him on his flat stomach. I am not a person who is comfortable around people, but being here in Ethan's arms make me feel safe. Previously it was only Christian, but the feelings are totally different. I used to love him and I love Ethan but like a friend. All those nights Ethan spent with me wailing in his arms until we both fell asleep in each others arms has made me comfortable with him. Though there is a stark difference between what I felt for Christian and what I feel for him, the feeling of being safe is the same.

"Where is that girl who has been grinding you all day?"

"Oh my God you won't believe what happened! One minute we are dancing and making out and the next she goes I LOVE YOU! Can you fucking believe it? Crazy."

I burst out laughing, "Oh my God, she said _that_?"

"I know right? What the fuck?" he says bewildered.

Kevin joins us and lies down on the other side of me. I roll over my back from Ethan's arms and turn towards him, "Someone's been enjoying too much!"

Kevin just winks and stares up at the sky, "Beautiful night isn't it?"

"Yes. Oh I don't want to leave here. Too bad we are only here for such a short time. Have you seen Jose?"

He just shrugs and in that exact moment Jose and Kate join us. Kate lies down beside Ethan, while Jose lies down beside Kevin and soon Elliot comes and lies on top of Kate. Everyone is drunk and washed from all the dancing.

"What exactly are we doing?" Kate asks.

"Ask Ana she was here first," Ethan says.

"Do I look like I know anything right now?"

Out of nowhere Jose starts laughing. Then Kate followed by Elliot and Kevin then finally Ethan and me. Belly aching laugh, we must seem like lunatics, rolling on the sand each hitting the other asking to stop but it's not working. Holy moly. Make it stop. SOMEONE! I have tears in my eyes but no one can stop. Suddenly we are all running back to the party where people are still dancing. I jump on Kevin's back and Kate jumps on Jose's back for a piggyback race. I see Ethan jump on Elliot's back and the scene is so hilarious that both Jose and Kevin drop Kate and me and laugh hysterically pointing towards them.

Crazy. Both my inner goddess and subconscious is tipsy too because I am having another beer right now and my ability to make coherent decisions has left my body.

**CHRISTIAN**

As soon as we hit the beach I know it is a bad idea. This is so not me. And there is so many people that I am scared somebody would touch me. I see Taylor march towards me with my t-shirt. This is why I hired him. He always knows what to do. This is insane and out of my league. I can't believe I, Christian Grey, am at a fucking beach party with all these fuckers around me trying to get laid. I know I am trying to woo the woman I love, but it is still ridiculous.

I try and locate Ana but it is becoming impossible for me to find her. There are just so many fucking drunks here. I hate this. Finally I see Elliot dancing with his fiancé, so that means she has to be around there somewhere. I make my way over to them and see Ana is not here. Where the fuck is she? _Don't panic Grey, she is not a kid._

I am frantic. What if she's alone and in danger? _You're the one who's in danger here not her you idiot. _That's when I see her. Drinking beer with a stranger and laughing. _Really _laughing. My blood boils and I don't know how to control my rage. The bastard is checking her out and if this was not a beach party, God knows what would he be doing to her.

I am going to be the dickhead who's going to cock-block every other motherfucker in this beach who tries to get into Ana's panties. Fuck I hate feeling like this. So fucking out of control. I am so mad. I just want her here standing with _me_, dancing with _me,_ laughing with _me._ Not anyone else.

I have to get there and I know she'll be mad but I don't give a fuck right now. She has to be standing with me. I stomp towards her and grab her by her hand and smash her against me, "Stay away from those fuckers Anastasia!"

"What the hell Christian. What do you want?" she snaps, her cheeks red from the heat and anger.

"Don't ask me questions that you already know the answer of. I want you Anastasia. And you are mine. I will kill every other motherfuckers in here if they so much as put a finger on you."

"Christian!" she gasps, "Are you referring to me as a whore who is going to sleep around with just anyone?" she is fuming mad and she pushes me away from her and tries to walk away but I am mad too so I grab her hand and pull her out of the crowd.

"Leave my hand Christian. I swear to God I'll scream so loud…." I have to stop her from talking, so I turn around and pull her towards me and kiss her. I am so mad that I want to spank the fucking daylights out of her but I know that is not an option. So I do the only other thing that will keep me from doing something I might regret later. I can smell cheap beer on her but I don't care. I need to feel her against me; I need to taste her on my lips. Before I know it my hands are caressing her back and she groans at the familiarity of my touch. I slide my tongue in her mouth and for a moment I pretend everything is fine as we continue playing with our tongue. She is here, kissing me. And what a kiss it is. Not a slow and sensual one, but a more urgent, desperate and passionate.

She pushes me and I see tears glistening in her eyes. "Go away Christian. Please. I am trying to get a grip on my life finally, don't make this harder for me than it already is. Please." She is begging me. And I can't say anything in return. I am just stunned at her rejection. She pushed me. She doesn't want me. I just stand there lost not knowing what to say or do and she turns around and runs back to the crowd. _You're no good for her._

I don't know how long I stand there. I slump down on the beach sitting with my legs up to my chest and my arms on my knees and stare at the beach. What am I going to do? _Die._

Taylor comes and startles me and I realize that the sun has set and it is night. The party is still going on and the music is still loud.

"Sir I think it would be wise to head back to your room."

I just nod and he helps me stand up. Suddenly I am stopped with a familiar figure lying on the beach.

Ana.

I see her looking up at the sky, deep in thoughts. Is she thinking about me? I want to go over to her and talk to her. Put some sense in her brain that she has clearly stopped using since the break-up. Just as I am about to go upto her, Ethan Kavanagh joins her. I am shaking with rage and I am reminded of the night I saw her sleeping in his arms in their apartment. But then I don't have to think about that night anymore as there was a repeat telecast of that scene going on but only worse. She's lying in his arms so comfortably that I feel a bile rise up my throat. The random fucker from the club shows up and lies down on the other side of her.

I am about to intervene when Taylor stops me, "Now might not be a good time Sir."

One by one their whole "gang" is lying on the beach including my brother. I don't know what happened because they are laughing like fucking lunatics. Rolling around, hitting each other. I concentrate on Ana. She looks so beautiful laughing. She never laughed like that with me. _Because you're an asshole. _Now they're running and she jumped on that fucker's back. I see black, not even red. I will choke that motherfucker till he can't breathe anymore. Not being able to take it anymore, I walk back to the house they rented for the weekend.

I find an empty room and slam the door shut. The fury is engulfing me so badly that I find it hard to breathe. FUCK! She is mine. Only mine. I don't fucking care about anything else. But she is mine and only mine. If it meant I will have to kill every other motherfucker just to be with her, then I will. But I will not let her go. I start counting back from 100 because 20 won't do shit.

I shower and change into fresh clothes and there are sounds coming from downstairs and I know they are back. I look at my watch and see it's a bit after 11. Slowly I walk out of my room and see Ana stumbling her way to her room. She is so drunk she can't even stand. Red. Red. Red.

100…99…98…97…96…95

Once everyone has retired to their rooms, I make a dash for her room. She is lying on her bed arms and legs stretched. An image of her spread like this in my playroom crosses my mind. _Control motherfucker, control._

I see she hasn't even changed. I reach her and pull her off the bed holding her hands.

"Christian what are you doing?" she pouts. Clearly she doesn't know what's going on.

"I am only helping you getting ready for bed Anastasia. You need to drink some water," I go over to her bedside table where a bottle of water is kept. Picking it up I bring it to her and make her drink the whole bottle.

"Are you trying to kill me by making me drink so much water?" That voice. She sounds like a child complaining and all my rage is forgotten. I chuckle.

"No I am just trying to get you back in senses."

"I like being this nonsensible."

"Nonsensible? Is that even a word?"

"You don't know every word in the dictionary now, do you?" Atleast she's not shouting and pushing me away anymore. I can take this.

I help her to the bathroom and start the shower for her. She strips infront of me. Fuck me hard. My dick is twitching. Perfection. It's been so long since I saw her naked. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is a very bad idea. She clearly has no sense in what she is doing but me? Am I taking advantage of her drunk state? Obviously, but I promise I will not touch her. Not until she tells me to.

After she is done, I wrap her in a towel and bring her to the room. I dry her and then get her bag so that she can wear clothes. "Thank you Christian," she says so sweetly smiling at me. My heart aches to touch her. _No you bastard, she is not in her senses._

She wears her comfortable white cotton panties and a pink tank top, no bra. My cock is going crazy in my pants and my balls may burst any moment. I blow-dry her hair so that she doesn't catch a cold. Gently I pick her up and place her on the bed, she feels so soft, so tiny, so warm, my heart fills with overwhelming love for this intoxicating woman. She catches my hand and pulls in bed with her, snuggling close and keeping her head on my chest. I close my eyes at the sudden contact. _It's only Ana, she won't hurt you. It's Ana. You love her. She will heal you. It's only Ana. It's only Ana. Feel her love._

It's not burning anymore and neither am I feeling suffocated. I pull away and pull my t-shirt off and pull her against my body so that her head is on my chest. _Take that Kavanagh. _This feels so good. I love her. I take her hand and place is on my chest too and move her hand all around my no-go area in the front. She is out for the night and has no idea what she is doing.

_I love you baby, now and forever. _

And before I know it, with Ana tightly against me, I fall into the most peaceful sleep in a long long time.


	15. Chapter 15

**So I watched the trailer of Fifty Shades of Grey and I don't know what to expect but I'm still excited LOL so my excitement got me writing this chapter earlier than I expected haha. **

**Note: These two in my story really have to work out their issues in their own ways. So they're not hitting the sack anytime soon. **

**CHAPTER- 15**

**ANA**

The familiarity of body heat wakes me up. I inhale a deep breath and a very known smell hits my nostrils. Christian. Inhaling his smell a few more times I open my eyes.

Oh no.

Both my inner goddess and subconscious hide their faces with both their hands and peak through parted fingers.

My head is on his chest. And my right hand is placed where his heart is. I feel the even thumping of his heart. Everything is so quiet that I take a few minutes to listen to his heart. A while later I slowly raise my head off of his chest, but his grip around me tightens and my head is smashed against his chest again. _Please don't wake up. Please don't wake up. _I try again to move away from him but he has me in a death grip. _Even in his sleep he won't let you go. _My inner goddess has a "dreamy" expression on her face now, content to be finally in his arms.

I try again and this time his eyes open. Is that fear I see in those gray eyes? Understanding dawns me. He's waiting for me to lash out but I just stare back at him. After it deems on him that I am not freaking out he sighs contently and kisses me on my forehead, just a light brush of his lips. I am still on his chest looking up at him. Is he not bothered? Why has he not pushed me away by now?

"Christian I…" he puts his index finger on my lips to shut me up. And he snuggles me closer, my head still on his chest and closes his eyes in contentment. I can tell he has not gone back to sleep, but he has this look of serenity on his face. I don't understand. What is going on? And why is he not going all fifty-thermonuclear with my head being on his chest? He's not even wearing a t-shirt. What the…

As if he could read my thoughts, he startles me by saying, "I'm okay baby. I am fine. I know it's you and you won't hurt me. Please just let me live this moment of having you in my arms for now. Freak out how much ever you want, but just not now. Please." I look up at him and see his eyes are still closed. I'll give him that I guess. He probably never thought this was possible in his lifetime. And it's me he's sharing this breakthrough with. I know what this means. He is giving himself up to me entirely. Trusting me with his life. But how can I do this?

I stifle a sob at this frustrating and confusing situation. I feel like crying at the enormity of all this. Why did it have to be now when everything is over? _Why? Why? Why?_ You know it's not entirely over, my subconscious screams.

As usual he senses what's going through my mind, "Don't think too much Ana, please. Just breathe. I _want_ you to touch me baby." His grip around me gets tighter. I can't breath but I don't say a word, giving him this moment of revelation. I can't be that cruel and move away now because I know what this means to him. It might be nothing to people like us, but for him this has to be the biggest quantum leap in his lifetime.

Very quickly an hour passes since we woke up, neither of us speaking or moving. All we do is lie in each other's arms, listening to our steady breathing. I wish it could always be like this. Being this civil with Christian, without the complications of a relationship, no anger, no lashing and no screaming. If I'm honest, it is emotionally drenching after every confrontation with Christian and I feel helpless. And all the courage and strength I muster to be away from him somehow breaks and I feel so vulnerable. Ethan is not going to always be there. And neither is Kate. We both need to find a middle ground to this. Christian obviously isn't going to give up and I don't want to go back to him.

Just then he surprises the hell out of me, "I want this for us Ana. Being in the same room as you without you wanting to squeeze my balls." I chuckle at that. "I want that too Christian. This feels _nice_ somehow," I raise my head and look at him, blue to gray.

"It does. I came on this trip vowing to get you to sleep with me, which I did but this is not what I had in mind when I say sleep. But this is better. I feel better. I don't know how this happened, but I want this to sustain. I don't know how we will achieve it but we have to. This feels _perfect._" He leaves me and sits up, I roll on my back looking up at the ceiling. Tugging at his hair he continues, "I promise I'll work on myself hard. I can't promise I'll overcome all my issues at once but I promise to taking baby steps. It took me to see past my fears and let you touch me to truly understand that what we have or used to have was anything but normal. I know maybe we are never going to have a 'normal'," he air quotes normal, "relationship but we can try to get there. I'm talking about taking this very _very_ slow and working on our issues _separately_."

"Christian, but I'm not ready," he cuts me off again spins around on his knees, pulls me up in a sitting position and cups my face with both his palms, "I know baby, I know. I know you are not ready to trust me again. The first time you left me, I had a tough time to trusting again as well and this time is just so much more worse. But I _need_ you more than I _want _you. I'll have you any little way I can get you, even if it means all I get is you and me in the same room just _talking_."

The look in his eyes is one of pleading. He looks as if his life depends on my affirmation. How can I say no to that? But I'm scared of being hurt again. I don't know how long will it take to break the wall I've created around my heart to protect myself. Maybe I can say yes for now and see how it goes? We are just agreeing to be cordial with each other for now. I can handle that I guess. _Say yes you sorry excuse of a human_, my inner goddess is fuming.

"Okay we'll try," I manage to say.

"But?"

"But it will be slow and baby steps. No going atomic fifty on me!"

"_Atomic fifty?" _he laughs and what a beautiful sight it is for the eyes. I can't help but grin myself.

"I'm serious Christian. This will only work if we both promise to be more considerate of each other's feelings. For now we are going to be _friends_."

"With benefits?" he smiles his sly smile and winks.

"Christian!" I hit on his arm and he grins like a fool.

"Can we atleast do some kissing occasionally? We'll be friends who kiss occasionally," he pulls me close and kisses me chastely on the lips and before I have a chance to react his tongue is inside me doing things inside my mouth that makes my toes curl.

"And friends hug too right?" he asks and takes me in his arms, smashing me against his chest and nuzzles me, inhaling my scent. "I love you Ana. I'll do anything to be worthy of your love again. I will win you back. And we are going to be almost normal if not completely because I know some issues I will never get over with. I'll try though." And that's what it takes me to wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him closer as if it were possible to pull him closer than her already was. I think I am suffocating us both, but I don't care. Tears stream down my cheeks, all my pent up emotions of the past three months, all the hurt. And I can feel a crack on the wall around my heart.

No matter how many nights I slept in Ethan's arms, and no matter how much I tell myself that I am over Christian, this right here feels like home. I thought I was out of tears after all the crying I have been doing, but the human anatomy is quite surprising.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Christian keeps on repeating but it does nothing to ebb the pain I feel in my chest.

**CHRISTIAN**

After one hour of sobbing and wailing, Ana seems to finally calm down. I know I have to tread carefully, one wrong word and she will start crying again. I just hold her close to me. At one point we lay back on the bed and I pulled her close against my bare chest again, her arms wrapped around my waist and I just let her cry. She has to get it out before we can move ahead from here. It's the first step. For now I am just happy she is crying in my arms and not that Kavanagh boy's arms. I hate it but I think I'll have to deal with it for now. I don't know how long I can, but for now I have to just fucking deal with it, after all, he did handle her. He was there when I wasn't and it's entirely my fault alone.

I still don't know if Ethan Kavanagh sees her as a friend or wants in her panties. I can't help my fucking mentality. When it comes to Ana I feel so fucking helpless I can't help it and in moments I am always screwing it up. Before I even give myself a chance to reason, the damage is already done. I try so much to act and think rationally but one finger of another male species on her and I lose it. It's like I am possessed at that time, coherence leaving me. And talking to Flynn is not going to help in this particular issue. This is something I have to work on my own.

There's also the photographer boy. Fucker. He still has feelings for her. I can so see it in his eyes, the way he looks at her like she is the only person in this planet.

And that stupid fucker from the club. What was his name? Kevin. Yeah he is the worm that befriended her in hopes to get laid. I hate him too. Who am I kidding? I hate every other male species in this world that has any sort of contact with Ana apart from men who are _related_ to her or me. _Are you even listening to your own thoughts, you crazy son of a crack whore? _

I'll deal with all that shit later. For now I just concentrate on Ana.

My Ana. Only. Mine.

She's all I need. With her here in my arms, everything feels perfect. The whole world is back to being balanced. I don't know how long I can reason with her before she flips again so I breathe in her smell as much as I can occasionally kissing her head. I'm afraid if she walks out of this room, she will go back to her withdrawn self. I don't want that. Right now there is so much hope but if she goes back to pushing me away again, I will breakdown to a point of no return. This has to work out. Please God if you're there, don't do this to me. I promise I will change my evil self for her. I will do everything in my power to become a better person. Anything for her. Whatever she wants.

"Christian?" her voice is strained from all the crying.

"Mmmhmmm"

"Are you sure we're doing the right thing?"

I knew it was too good to be true. I have to fix this before she even gets a chance to flip back. Placing her on her back on the bed I turn towards her. She is staring at the ceiling. Again.

"To tell the truth I don't know if what we are doing is right. It's not like I've had a lot of break-ups. But I do know that I want nothing more than for us to start fixing this and we have to start someday so why not now? I don't know if this is going to work out but we won't know if we don't try." _Please just agree. Please just agree. Please just agree._

She turns towards me and we are just looking at each other, no touching. Just staring. "I'm scared," she whispers. "I'm scared too baby."

"It's not easy to just forget. I know I am going to do this but you have to know that I will take my own time and pace to heal. I can't forgive you just like that. There can be no rushing and if in the end I still feel I don't want to be with you, then I won't."

Sigh.

I know she still loves me and she thinks admitting to me will make her vulnerable again. I can do this. I'll win her trust back. And soon she will be mine again. Not out of coercion but because she will want to be with me.

"I'm not asking you to get back with me. Yes I want you. I'll only ever want you. But I also know it's not as easy for you to admit as it is for me. I'll wait, even if it takes forever. I promise."

She brushes her fingers on my cheek, caressing my stubble. She closes her eyes as if touching me would reassure her. She opens her eyes and we just lie on the bed facing each other, gray to blue.

A loud knock on the door startles us from our reverie. Whoever this motherfucking asshole is needs to get a shovel shoved up his or her ass.

"Ana wake up! We're going surfing. Hurry!" Jose photo-fucking-grapher Rodriguez. Timing motherfucker. I know people usually get mad at me for losing it, but can they fucking blame me? Any other time I would have tossed him out of the balcony but since I just agreed to be civil to everyone a while back, I'll just have to swallow my urge to really shove something up his ass.

Ana laughs clearly understanding how I feel, so evident by my scowling.

"Guess we do have to get our ass outside." I shrug standing up from the bed.

"You sure you'll be fine joining us? You won't freak seeing me with my friends?"

"Frankly, I don't know. I'll try but if I see anyone coming on to you they'll have it."

"Christian. You just said you'll try."

"Trying doesn't mean I'll allow every Tom, Dick and Harry trying to get a piece of you. You're the one who emailed me the meaning of compromise remember?"

"Fine. But you will only intervene if there is a real threat and not if you see I am just talking to some guy just for the sake of some conversation."

"Okay," I say unconvincingly.

"I mean it Christian. Don't screw this up. Whatever we have now will only work if we both _really_ try."

Ana goes to the bathroom and I walk out of her room and see Elliot, Kate, Ethan and Jose staring at me with their mouth open, eyes wide.

"What? We just talked. Nothing else."

"Talked?" Elliot asks surprised.

"Yeah, we both decided to just try and be civil towards each other. It makes life easier for everyone else," I specifically leave out mentioning that we are going to work on getting back together because I don't want any of these fuckers to get alerted.

"She hates you!" Jose, the motherfucking photographer snaps.

I. See. Red.

I walk towards him, my head ready to blow off and it takes every ounce of my body and mind to control my raging anger and not knock this fucker out. _Ana will not be pleased if you fuck up again Grey._ I walk towards him and lean down to his height and whisper, my voice cold and threatening, "She doesn't hate me. And she never will. Before you know it, she will be mine again." And with that I walk to the room I kept my overnight bag last night to change for surfing. No way in hell will I allow Ana to surf without me. It's too fucking dangerous.

I'll always keep her safe. She is my life. My soulmate. Just mine.


	16. Chapter 16

**Sorry people for the delay! Real life is being a pain plus my father was hospitalised and so I was caught up with that. Shall update more often from now.**

**Please review xx**

**CHAPTER- 16**

**CHRISTIAN**

I know I am going to die young. This maddening woman whom I love with all my life surely is hell bent on proving to the world that she has the power to make my heart stop beating. I see her running towards the water, wearing bikini, and surfboard in hand without a life jacket. What the hell is she thinking? Can she even swim? I don't even care if she knows how to swim. She needs to wear a life jacket and she needs to be surfing while I'm right there to save her. And why is she wearing, well, NOTHING! Looking around I see every other fucking male gawking at her perfect ass and tits bouncing while running. I feel murderous. God if you're out there, help me! _God doesn't help the evil spirited._

"ANASTASIA!" running towards her in record time, I grab her just in time. Jose fucker scowls at me and Ethan Kavanagh gives me a small nod. As much as I'd like to paint Jose the fucker's face with imprints of my knuckles, I don't because I need to focus on Ana right now. But I will get back at him later, he is just pissing me the fuck off. Cock sniffing bastard.

"Christian! You scared me!"

"You are scaring me right now going surfing without a life jacket and without lifeguards and without clothes!" She looks down at herself and gives me a what-the-fuck look.

"Everyone can see everything Anastasia. They are all seeing what's mine." I snarl at her in a volume so that only she can hear. But I could be breathing out fire right now so snarling is better.

She just rolls her eyes. My palms twitch. Pulling her close to me I whisper to her, our temples touching, "I know I said I would try but I can't help it if you don't help me Ana. I hate it. Abso-fucking-lutely hate that every fucker out here is fucking you in their dirty minds." I cannot see myself but I know my face is red from rage.

"Oh Christian please. Every other girl is wearing bikinis here. It's not just me. Maybe they're checking out someone else and I am just in their line of vision. It's not like I am the only girl alive in this world." She pouts. I could kiss those puckered lips all day long. "You're here now so rather than throwing baseless tantrums, come with me so you can keep me safe." And she smiles _that_ smile. The smile she reserves only for me. How can I refuse anything she asks me when she is smiling at me like that? I will be beside her should anything untoward happen. And kill any fucker who so much as lays a finger on her. I just give her a slow smile conveying my approval. She grins from ear to ear. _Because of me_. And I am the happiest man alive.

"Let's go people!" hoots Kevin the shithole. This motherfucker is a whole different story altogether. Always trying to act the I-am-so-cool-for-my-pants part infont of my girl. I am going to back at every one of these motherfuckers when I finally have my girl back. _Every dog has his day._

Taylor gets me a surfboard. And there is two more CPOs with him since this side of the beach is full; Taylor finds a secluded part of the beach where we would be safer. Everyone else denied, wanting to enjoy with everyone on the beach. Obviously with some help from my big brother who lured everyone out of my way. He might be a prick but he does want me and Ana back together. But Ana surprises me by agreeing willingly without any probing to go to the part of the beach Taylor found for us and secured. I smile to myself. _Compromise._

Try as I much, but I can't help but feel paranoid about Ana surfing. Even while I'm here, it is beyond my control should anything happen to her. Like I said, I will die young. With the amount of anxiety I live with myself when it comes to this tiny human being, I say I got five years tops before I stroke. We have come quite far from the beach and Ana stands on her surfboard and as soon as she stands she loses balance and falls in the water. Fuck. I hurry towards her and she resurfaces back up but I have already lost my mind. She can't even stand on the damn thing.

She starts laughing at herself. I love it when she laughs but I don't let it distract me. "What the fuck Ana! Have you ever surfed before?" I am scowling at her.

"No but I thought…"

"What did you think? What the hell! How can you be so careless? What if I wasn't here and what if you drowned? Have you no sense of reason? It's dangerous Ana. How can you put yourself at risk like this?"

"Christian I'm fine. I didn't drown and it always looked so much fun on TV. I wanted to try it. You have to learn to trust me when it comes to my safety or else _this shit ain't gonna work_!"

I chuckle at the way she says that. "Fine. I'll show you. Now don't stand up just lie on your stomach, yes just like that and move your hands, yes, yeah just like that and keep on moving forward. You can try standing later but right now just move forward like this?"

"But I want to stand and go whoooosh like every one else." And she pouts before biting that lip.

Enough.

I catch up on her and pull the surfboard closer to me and make her sit. Pulling her face I kiss her hard and long. At first she hesitates but she is anything but immune to my touch and soon she responds. Grabbing her waist I lift her off the surfboard and push the surfboard away and pull her against me. She wraps her legs around my waist and we kiss like barbarians. Lips, tongue, teeth smashing against each other. Any more urgency and I swear our tongues would tangle in a knot. I'm pretty sure Taylor is barfing somewhere seeing us like this.

She was the first to break to catch a breath. "Christian it's not.." I put my index finder on her lips to stop her from uttering the words I know she is going to say. She would say it's not right. Like hell it isn't. We clearly still have that strong gravitational pull towards each other, I love her with everything I have and this does not feel wrong. It can never feel wrong. It's the most right I have felt in the past three months. I don't care. I want her. Right here, right now.

"For once, please, don't think too much baby. I know I said we're going to take it slow but please Ana I need you. Right now."

With that I kiss her again and while I know the water is not hygienic I couldn't care less. Only our heads can be seen, the rest of our body under the water, away from any prying eyes and there isn't any prying eyes since Taylor has cleared this side of the beach entirely for us and he himself is standing with his back.

I need to feel her around my cock. Her warmth, her wetness, her tightness. It's been too long and the throbbing I feel from the erection right now will kill me if I don't attend to it. With my left hand I pull her closer to me and my right hand slides under her bikini to touch her breasts. Even under the water she feels good and her puckered nipples give me the go ahead I was looking for. Moving my hand inside her bikini bottom I put two fingers inside her. Her arms tighten around my neck and her legs tighten around my waist. I can feel her warmth. If we weren't here, I would suck her dry.

She says my name in a moan and I pull my shorts down so that my meat is free and I move her bikini bottoms to the side and plunge inside her with one deep thrust.

Holy-motherfucking-cockbarking-shit.

Both of us don't move for a while, feeling this moment. Taking in every bit of pleasure we're getting from this. It's been too long for both of us. "Oh baby you feel so good. So fucking good." I manage to say but my voice nothing more than a whisper. She looks at me and I can see her eyes diluted, so turned on she can barely speak. I start moving slowly against her, her mouth forms an O and she moves at the same slow rhythm as me but still makes no sound.

Her face does it for me and I cannot go slow anymore. I start moving faster, thrusting her with all the strength I can muster and she meets me strength for strength. Her need for me bringing me closer to my brink. I can feel her walls close and she is ready to come. It's been so long that I can't control and my dick is begging me for release.

"Come for me baby, don't hold back. I love you Ana. I love you."

And she comes, with a scream nonetheless. That does it for me and I explode inside her. And boy do I explode. My legs give up and we both fall into the water. Fuck. So fucking amazing. Mind-boggling-balls-dropping amazing.

Quickly finding my ground I stand up and I don't see Ana. What the panic. Panic creeps up from my toes to my head, consuming my whole body.

"Ana!" I scream and I can't find her. NO.

I am about to have a heart attack but just then she taps on my shoulder from behind me. Turning around, I crush her against me. "Oh baby you scared me. I'm so sorry. My legs gave up after that body-numbing orgasm. I'm so sorry."

She doesn't say anything. Holy fucking shit. She is thinking too much about what just happened. Can't let that happen Grey. What the fuck do I do? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Pulling back a bit I cup her face and look straight in her eyes, "Please Ana don't think too much into this. It was just a one off. We both got caught off guard and I couldn't just control myself. I'm sorry it won't happen again." She just looks at me. "Okay fine I'm not sorry that it happened but it won't happen again. We'll take it slow. As much as I hate to say this, let's just pretend it didn't happen." I'm just shit scared she'll pull away from me emotionally again so I say whatever the fuck is coming to my mind right now for her not to go back on what we decided about compromising and taking it slow. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. And. SHIT.

**ANA**

Oh no. What did we just do? And why is he scared? It's not entirely his fault. I am to be blamed as much as he is. But I won't deny it felt so good. And right. No. No. No. No. It wasn't right. It's Christian Grey and he doesn't take anything lightly and especially if it's got to do with me. I'm sure he's already thinking we are back together again. I know my fifty well by now to know that even though he's saying we'll pretend this didn't happen, it won't happen. Why don't I have self-control when it comes to this Adonis? My subconscious looks at me through her half moon-glass. That's your answer right there, _Adonis._

Since the moment he let me touch his chest, something in me changed. The feeling is exhilarating. He trusts me enough to let me touch him; giving me an access to that part of his soul he never let anyone else venture into. Not even Grace can touch him. What does that mean? I feel so many things right now and at the same time that I feel dizzy. My legs start giving up so I hold onto him for balance. His arms wrap around me and I can see concern etched on his face. Picking me up bridal style, he walks back to the beach, surfboards long forgotten.

Putting me down on the beach, he strides over to Taylor and mutters something to him to which he nods and jogs off somewhere. Christian comes back to me in seconds and is on his knees infront of me. I am sitting down with my knees drawn to my chest so his knees are on my feet.

"Are you feeling sick Ana? Should I get you to a doctor? I sent Taylor to get you some fresh orange juice, it will make you feel better." The other two CPOs come in view from out of nowhere as Taylor went to fetch the juice for me. Did they see us? Oh my God. Sensing my uneasiness he says, "They didn't see anything. All of them had their backs on us. Do you think I would ever let anyone see you come? That is only for my eyes Ana. Only. Mine."

I relax but I still feel pathetic, like a slut. But who am I kidding? I want him back as much as he does. But then I don't want to be back with him already. We have to take it slow, and we have to learn so many things when it comes to relationships. We have to atleast try to be normal if not anything else. Everything with Christian is too much, and too much anything is not good.

We have to decide on boundaries, on trust issues, set perimeters for all his baggage, his anger management, his possessiveness, his overreaction to everything and I am going to stop here or it would take the whole day to list all our problems with each other.

It's too much for me to take right now and I just lie back on the sand with my left arm over my eyes. Suddenly I am being covered with a towel. Taylor. I see Taylor handing another towel to Christian, while he puts the bottle of orange juice beside me. "Drink," he orders. I hate that he is ordering me but I do have no strength to retort back and I am thirsty, so I take the bottle from him and drink the juice.

From the corner of my eyes I see movement. I turn to my right and see Kate and Elliot running towards us. "Ana are you okay?" Kate asks me concerned, looking at Christian for a fraction of a second and _smiling_. What the hell? Even Christian looks shocked. "What? Why are you both looking at me like that? Oh please I know you both are going to get back together soon enough so I just want to start being friendly with him. Fuming and giving each other the look really isn't doing either of us any good." Peace offering from Katherine Kavanagh. That's got to be a first. It must be Ethan. Must remember to thank him. Again.

"I'm fine Kate just emotionally drenched." I say to her and I know Christian is staring at me, keeping note of everything and pretty soon he's going to start World War III with his hair. Just a few seconds later, he starts tugging at his hair. My inner goddess does a Sheldon Cooper and goes BAZINGA!

"Do you want to talk?" she asks apprehensively, looking at back and forth between Christian and me. I shake my head and from the corner of my eyes see Christian exhale in relief that I am not discussing our relationship with anyone. Never did, never will. No one still knows why we broke up apart from the fact that he just broke up with me after an ex showed up and that too because Ethan witnessed everything.

"Let's just go get pissed bad," Elliot pulls me up with him and drags me to the party that was going on the other side of the beach. I can't help but notice that throughout the exchange we just had, Elliot keeps quiet. I feel sad for him. Christian doesn't even give him the right to interfere in his own brother's life. I turn around and see Christian still in the same spot, crestfallen. My heart goes out to him, but some distance with him right now is what I need and we will talk later tonight. First I wrap myself with a sarong so that Christian doesn't lose his mind again. I roll my eyes at the thought. Every other girl is wearing a bikini and me? Sigh.

Jose finds me and gives me a bear hug. I'm taken aback but I see he is drunk and he's slurring some words I can't make out in this loud music. Ethan hands me two tiny bottles of Absolut Vodka and goes to talk with his sister. By the seriousness evident on their face, I know they are talking about me. I hate this. I gulp down both the bottle and cringe at the bitterness. My subconscious tells me it is a bad idea.

Ethan comes back smiling at me, "Let's see you move Steele. I'm sure the alcohol's making you brave." I laugh at that. I'm not drunk but I totally have a pleasant buzz in my head that is calming down my nerves. I search around to see if I can see Christian anywhere, but he's not. Guess he's taking some time alone himself.

After two hours, two bottles of beer, and a lot of dancing later, Christian still hasn't showed up. I'm starting to get a bit agitated now. Yes I'm having fun, but I wish Christian could enjoy with me. God why did I have to fall in love with the most stuck up person in the world? You were stuck up yourself until the break-up, both my inner goddess and subconscious snorts at me. I know I know but I'm much better now, thanks to Ethan.

The amount of tugging he must be doing with his locks. It'll be a wonder if I don't find him bald by now. To that I laugh at myself, the image of Christian bald. I need to go find him.

**CHRISTIAN**

She just walked off with my brother without even wanting to talk. I just lost her again. Why does it always happen to me? Am I really that bad? Lying down on the sand I just shut myself from the rest of the world.

Ana. Ana. Ana. Ana. Ana.

Why did I fall in love? And even if I did, why is my love so self-consuming? Other people fall in love all the bloody time. Nothing else in my life makes sense anymore ever since Ana came to me. When she came, she brought with herself so much light, after the break up my life was back to being dark and isolated. And now that the light was coming back, the sun was shining again, she left and it is dark all over again.

I don't cry, I never cry. It's not like I don't want to. But I just can't. And now is one of those moments when I want to cry but all I feel is the tightening around my throat but no tears. It only adds to my sorrow. Other people can cry and let out some of the emotions, but me? Nada.

The sun has set and Taylor must be thinking I'm dead because he comes and says, no shouts, "Sir! Are you alright Sir?" Good he doesn't touch me or I would just punch him.

"I'm okay Taylor" and with that I dismiss him with a wave of my hand. He sighs and goes back to whatever he was doing up until now. I know I should get back to the house, pack my belongings and fly back to Seattle right this minute but I can't seem to move.

There must be a God and God must really hate me because it starts to rain. No other way than to get up now. There's an incoming of a hoard of people, running everywhere and towards me. Taylor looks like he is going to have a coronary right this minute. He wasn't expecting that and neither was I.

What now?

**ANA **

It's raining? Things just keep on getting worse. Rest of the group decides to stay out and enjoy the rain. But I have to go find Christian. God knows what he's doing to himself. His self loathing must have increased ten folds by now.

People are running everywhere and so I start running too.

Destination- Christian Grey.

I decide to check where I left him, hopefully he's still there. After a lot of getting pushed around, stepped on and yelled at, I stop when I see him. He looks so afraid amongst all these people, afraid someone will touch him. Taylor does his best to protect him but he's still afraid. Oh my poor fifty.

His gaze finds mine and suddenly his eyes light up when he sees me, but he turns sad immediately. I run up to him and engulf him in my embrace. My arms wrapped around his neck, I pull him tight enough to pass on the message that we're okay. And we will be okay. He has nothing to fear now.

I hug him until the crowd around us thins and he doesn't have to be afraid of getting touched by anyone else for now.

"Christian" I cup his face and kiss him softly on the lips. "We're okay baby. We're okay. I'm sorry I left like that but right then I needed to get away from you to clear my head. I know we have a lot to deal with, but together we'll do it. We have to do it. Me and you. Always."

He smiles a magnificent smile. "Always" he says and crushes me against him.


	17. Chapter 17

**CHAPTER-17**

**ANA**

As soon as we arrive back to our apartment in Seattle, I wait for the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition but it doesn't come. Both Ethan and Kate have long gone back to their rooms to freshen up to come back out later for dinner. And it also doesn't happen now while we're all preparing dinner. Well actually I am cooking and Ethan is helping me, while Kate is just sitting on the counter chatting away to her heart's delight, never once mentioning Christian.

Odd. I have to talk to Ethan about this. I'm sure he talked some sense to her or else she would probably be at my throat giving me hour long lectures, well, every hour. Kate's phone rings and she jumps off the counter, hurrying to her bedroom knowing exactly who is calling.

"So? You and Grey huh?" Ethan asks nonchalantly.

"Well it's a long way ahead but we're getting there Ethan. Atleast we've started the journey."

"Good for you Steele. Whatever makes you happy and _that_ man makes you happy. A blind man can see." He gives me a sincere smile. Come what may, but this man right here is a once in a lifetime kind of friend and as much as I love Kate, Ethan is just more mature when it comes to handling things. Clearly he has chosen the best career path. I can see him being a fine psychiatrist one day.

I smile at him, grateful for always supporting me in this and most importantly making Kate understand. "Thanks Ethan. Without you I would be lost. I owe you with my life."

"Oh don't be so dramatic Steele. It's what friends are for." And finishes by singing _I'll be there for you _from the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I can't help but laugh at this, always there to make me laugh and making me forget all my sorrows. He's just so easy to be with.

Hugging him I quip, "I love you Ethan. You're the best friend anyone can have!" "I love you too Steele and you're not so bad yourself."

Since we're all tired, I just make us all smoked chicken sandwiches because it doesn't really require a lot of work on my part.

"Mmmmm these sandwiches are great Steele. I say you open a restaurant of your own. You clearly love cooking," Ethan says munching on his last bite.

"Aye aye!" Kate agrees with him.

"And call it what?" I play along.

"Because you love me sooo much, you should name it Ethan's…"

Kate cuts him off, "Go away she loves me more. She'll name it Kate's Bistro." I just roll my eyes.

"I bet she'll probably name it Smoking Grays!" Ethan air quotes taking a dig at the color of Christian's eyes no doubt and bursts out laughing. Kate joins him, "Or Angry Jacks," and I can feel my face burn with embarrassment. My friends are actually teasing me about Christian? That's the first time both the siblings are actually talking about this without cringing at the very thought of Christian. Wow. After the way they have seen me during the past three months, I thought it would be a Herculean task for me to get my friends agree to accept Christian back in my life. This is something I was not expecting; once more I am glad Ethan is in my life.

After half an hour of various names both siblings come up with in relation to Christian, our stomachs hurt by laughing. I could swear my intestines were in a knot by now. "Stop it please. No more. Please no more." Kate begs wiping the tears out of the corner of her eyes.

Just then there's a knock on our apartment door. All of us are still laughing over the last name Kate came up with, 'Cum Eat', another dig at the slip of my tongue right after my break up with Christian. One night while I was very drunk and terribly missing Christian, it slipped out of me that Christian was so great in bed he made me come every single time we had sex. Going up to the door, Ethan opens the door and walks in all his glory, Christian Grey.

All three of us look at each other and burst into another round of laughter when we see the subject of our entertainment for the past half an hour standing infront of us. Christian is not going to be pleased if he hears any of this. He doesn't quite grasp the mechanisms of the relationship known as friendship. He's still _friends_ with the pedophile, clearly he does not know what friendship really is.

Surprised I stand up and stride towards him. "Christian what are you doing here? Come in." As soon as I utter the word I regret. Behind me, Ethan and Kate are rolling on the floor with their hands on their stomach, "Oh God please no, I can't take this anymore. It's too much. It hurts," Kate manages to get up from the floor and marches to her room shouting, "I'll die of laughter if I stay here a moment longer." Ethan also leaves for his room shouting us both a goodnight still laughing.

Once I can get a hold of myself, I make a straight face and look at Christian. His gray eyes dance in amusement as to what just happened.

"Oh don't bother, it was just us having some fun." I wave my hand in front of him in a gesture as if it's no big deal, clearly trying to distract him from asking what the hell just happened.

"Anastasia I was wondering if I could stay the night with you?"

That has me alerted, more like shocked. I gape at him.

"No it's not what you think. It's just that these past two days I finally slept after so long. And I'm so tired and I want a full night's sleep. If you're not there, I can't seem to sleep at all. You know my.." he can't even finish the sentence.

Understanding dawns me and my heart fills with a warm fuzzy feeling for this man. He's so scared to even sleep alone. I wonder how's he managed for the past three months. At this realisation my heart squeezes and I feel more in love with this man. My man. Moreover he's not demanding I go back to Escala with him, rather he came here in my apartment asking for permission to stay the night.

I say that's progress.

**CHRISTIAN **

She's thinking it through, I can see it the way she's tapping one of her feet on the floor and having not kicked me out already is definitely a good sign. I won't lie and admit that I'm just fine with sleeping with her in the literal sense and not have sex, but I'll take her any way I can have her. As long as she is in my arms, safe and protected and cherished and most importantly loved.

Smiling at me, her gaze holding mine, she reaches for my right hand because I'm carrying an overnight bag with my other hand and leads me to her bedroom.

"I'll be back," she heads for the bathroom. Relief washes over me, as I wasn't expecting she would just agree to let me stay. At first I thought I would just ask her to move back in Escala but then I knew she would never agree. I know that for now it would be better if we both moved back and forth to both our places. That way she'll know I am trying to be a part of her world as much as I want her to be a part of mine.

Sitting on the edge of the bed I wait for her and out she comes wearing the most adorable pair of pajamas. It's pink with small teddy bears all over. I chuckle to myself. As much as I would love to clad her only in silk or satin, this is the part of her I love the most, her simplicity. It takes my breath away.

Giving me a smile that spreads warmth all over my body, she leans and gives me a quick peck on my cheek. "I wasn't expecting this, but I'm glad you're here Christian. I love sleeping in your arms. I've missed it so much."

I give her my, as she calls it, panty dropping smile and kiss her forehead before going to the bathroom to empty my bladder and then brush my teeth. And I do so using her toothbrush. The aroma around the bathroom is familiar, her shampoo. I grin like a fool knowing not why. I just do. It's that simple.

Deciding to wear my Armani briefs only knowing what kind of reaction it would elicit from Ana, I step out of the bathroom. She is already tucked in with a book in hand. Noticing that I am out of the bathroom, towering over her half naked, she looks at me with her jaws wide, almost drooling right there. Yes, I fist pump in my mind. Swallowing back her desire and suddenly getting alarmed that I am taking into account her every reaction to my nakedness, she looks back down on her book scoots over to give me space.

"Thank you for letting me stay."

Looking up from the book she says, "We aim to please, Mr Grey!"

"Ms Steele, you should come up with your own lines." Leaning over to the bedside table, she places the book on it.

"Why would I when I have you to steal lines from?" She giggles, my most favorite sound in the world.

"Anastasia would you start using your blackberry again?"

"What?" She asks confused with the change of direction our conversation has suddenly taken.

"You're using an iPhone now." I say pointing towards her bedside table, where her phone was placed beside the book.

"You're not asking me to change my phone are you? I love my iPhone and I am not changing it. No way! And Blackberry is old and so out of trend."

"Since when do you care about trends? Security breaches are nothing short of impossible to the phones made for me and my important staff."

"Ask them to secure this one then, but I'm so not using blackberry again. I mean seriously Christian, you use an IPod, an iPad and a MacBook but not an iPhone?" She's got a point though. It's never occurred to me before. Maybe I'll shift to iPhone. I'll have to go through this with Barney though first.

I slide under the covers more, and pull her closer to me smiling at the topic of our conversation. Phones. It's so normal. I love normal. Sensing my amusement, she glances towards me with a what-is-it look.

"It's our conversation Anastasia. It's so normal." She smiles a knowing smile and scoots closer to me and closes her eyelids with a yawn. I kiss her temple, her back to my front. "I love normal, Christian."

"Me too."

"Goodnight Christian. I love you."

"As do I Anastasia. Sleep baby." And while her breathing slows to a constant rhythm, I watch her sleep, still grinning like a fool.

Keeping my head at the hollow between her collarbone and chin, I drift off to sleep taking in her scent, with a feeling of contentment, which only this woman can bring to my mind, body and soul.

**ANA**

It's like nothing had ever happened. Waking up to being wrapped around by Christian and breaking a sweat under his body heat just about gave me the biggest breakthrough in my life right now. This is where I belong, in his arms, my home.

"Good morning Ms Steele." Waking up to the most scintillating gray eyes looking lovingly at you just about would make any woman's day.

"A very good morning to you Mr Grey."

"Why Ms Steele, you sure seem to be in a good mood." Bringing his face close, he gives me a chaste kiss on my lips. _Oh you lucky whore_, my inner goddess swoons.

"That might have something to do with waking up next to a certain gray eyed Adonis" _Stop drooling, you'll scare him away_, my subconscious scolds.

"God of beauty and desire? It's just a face, but I agree on the latter. I'd give anything to be _your_ God of desire Ms Steele." I can feel my cheeks burn and my stomach do a 360-degree flip and wetness spread between my legs. Both my subconscious and inner goddess is fanning themselves with their hands.

I don't realize I was biting my lip until he frees my lip with his thumb. "Don't do that, not if you want me to devour you right now Anastasia." His eyes are sparkling with desire and I can feel his erection nudging me against my thighs. If I don't get out of this bed right this very moment, I will combust, but for some reason I cannot move.

A gush of desire for this man spreads throughout my body and I can feel my skin is on fire. If he so much as lays a finger on me I'll go ablaze. Casting my eyes down for a bit I can see even my hands are flushed. My inner goddess is on her knees begging me to kiss him and get down to business, while my subconscious is pulling me out of this bed. This tug of war between them is even more emotionally drenching than a fight with Christian.

"Christian." And I realize I have nothing more to say to him other than his name and that too sounded like a moan to me. Shit. He's just going to take it as a green signal. But why the bloody hell can't I make myself move? We decided to withhold sex for a while until we are ready but damn my raging hormones when it comes to this man and multiply it with lusty gray eyes, just-fucked copper locks and a body that puts Greek Gods to shame and I am a hormonally derailed slut.

Suddenly like a gust of wind he shoots for the bathroom. What the? What just happened? I lie back down on the bed, breathing heavy and well sweaty and very _very_ wet. I think it's time I got myself a battery-operated friend. _Ana Steele, are you thinking of getting yourself a fucking vibrator?_ My subconscious is shocked.

Why not right? I've heard plenty of women use it. And if I am to win this battle between what is right and my dripping vagina, I don't see any other way. Maybe I'll just ask Kate about this after Christian leaves or maybe when we are at work later.

**CHRISTIAN**

Oh Ana what am I going to do with you? _Blame yourself asshole. _This woman gets right through me and before I know it all of my self-control is out of the fucking window. A fucking cold shower is what I fucking need right now.

Turning on the cold shower, I step under it. Damn this fucking boner. Looks like my shaft is angry and is fucking punishing me right now. Maybe I'll just have to masturbate to get rid of this pain. Christian Grey masturbating? Fuck. Me. What has this woman brought me down to?

Shagging off to imagining Ana's perfect lips and the warmth of her mouth around my shaft has its perks. Business taken care of, now I can get on the fuck with my day. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I come out of the bathroom and take out my work clothes out of my over night bag.

My phone rings and I know it's Taylor. "Grey."

"Sir, I am here with the car."

"I'll be out in a few."

"Right Sir."

I take my time to make my way out of Ana's room. Once I am out in the hall, I am greeted with a side of Ana I have never seen before. She's dancing and cooking. I've seen her do it before in Escala, but this is different. The iPod is playing on the dock, she's singing and dancing without a care in the world, cooking and laughing with Ethan Kavanagh. With one hand up in the air and doing a head bang like a rock star, she is shouting at the top of her lungs with the Kavanagh boy to a U2 song, "It's a beautiful day, Sky falls, you feel like, It's a beautiful day, Don't let it get away." Out of nowhere Katherine Kavanagh joins in and all three of them are huddled together laughing their asses off for nothing.

She seems so happy. So carefree. Acting her age. Can I give her this? _You've given her nothing but grief, you selfish prick. _The way she has her arm around the Kavanagh boy's waist is proof enough of how close they are. _They sleep together remember? _All my fucking fault. As much as I want Ana to be this happy always, it hurts it's not because of me but for him. Clearly he has had an influence on her these past few months. And it's all on me. Had I not left her, she wouldn't be like this with him. He took care of her when I wasn't there, mended her and put her back together and now they have this unbreakable bond which I will never be okay with me but I can't help it. I'll have to accept that and always be indebted to him.

As much as I fucking hate this bond they share, I am also thankful he saved her. The scene in front of me clearly shows this is more of a regular routine for them. _She has people who deeply love her, be happy. _I am, really, but what I wouldn't do to be the person she is this carefree and youthful with.

For the first time in my existence, I hate I am such a stuck-up-controlling-freak. I want this with Ana, for her, for _myself_.


	18. Chapter 18

**Don't forget to review. :)**

**CHAPTER- 18**

**ANA**

_What would I do without your smart mouth  
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out  
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down  
What's going on in that beautiful mind  
I'm on your magical mystery ride  
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright_

_My head's underwater  
But I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind_

_'Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you, oh_

_How many times do I have to tell you  
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too  
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood  
You're my downfall, you're my muse  
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues  
I can't stop singing, it's ringing in my head for you_

_My head's underwater  
But I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind_

_'Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you, oh  
Give me all of you, oh_

_Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts  
Risking it all though it's hard_

_Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you_

_I give you all of me  
And you give me all, of you, oh._

_(Song- All of me by John Legend)_

I just stand, too stunned and in awe to move or make any coherent statements. The only thing I can fixate myself on right now is the magnificently beautiful man sitting on the bench of the grand piano playing the ebony and ivory keys with immaculate grace and ease, his gray orbs are a shade of silver that look at me expressing his infinite adoration for me. What was even more shocking was when he started to sing after everyone had to pester him for a show of his excellent talent. I bet nobody was expecting him to sing along as well. When he sat on the bench to play, he looked at me and said "For you, Anastasia," in front of all these people, clearly declaring his unconditional love for _me_.

He stands and before I know it I am making my way towards him, he has his arms open for me and I but all jump at me. Thankfully, he catches me in his strong arms because I didn't know how fast I dashed towards him until I came in contact with his body. I have my arms around his back in the no-go area. He tenses up a bit at first and after a few seconds I feel him relax and he doesn't seem to mind at all. Ever since we came back from the Hamptons, Christian and I have been practicing with his phobia and everyday he seems to be improving.

Before I know it I am a sobbing mess, touched by his show of affection, "I love you Christian Grey," I tell him and he pulls me against him tighter, like that was even possible. My inner goddess is a swooning looney and for once my subconscious has gone into hiatus and does not have a thing to say to me.

We are brought back out of our little bubble by an eruption of applause and hoots from the audience. Realizing we aren't the only ones here, I pull back and feel my face heat up in embarrassment. Turning around I see Grace and Mia dabbing at the corner of their eyes, probably crying seeing Christian like this. Carrick and Elliot too seem to be emotional as both the Grey men have their arms around the two Grey women in a family hug. They are all looking at Christian pleading for him to join them, but Christian doesn't move. _Oh my Fifty_. And my heart goes out for the family in front of me, they all must have longed for Christian to act normal all their lives and he was just starting now. Grace looks at me with affection and I nod at her, silently promising her that I will bring her son out of his shell and soon he will be standing there with the rest of his family.

Turning my head I look at my fifty shades, who seems to be in so much pain holding out from his family like that. I can tell he wants to go there and take them in his arms, but helpless he just turns and leaves the room to go out where the tea party was in full swing again.

Grace invited me to their house for a tea party that the Greys hold every year for family and friends. Christian and I arrived that afternoon just before lunch, as it was a tradition of some sort that the family would get together before the tea party and have lunch together. All of Seattle's elite was there. This wasn't as big as the Coping Together Ball but nothing less whatsoever.

The marquee set outside had round tables set with centerpieces made of flowers. The decorations centered around light colors of mint, pink, baby blue and lavender. One table was assorted with every kind of tea known to man. I love tea and even I didn't know there were so many different kinds and when I first arrived, I made a mental note to try atleast one sip of every kind. There were other tables all laden with different kinds of snacks, both savory and sweet. Everything looked so beautiful that I take out my iPhone and SnapChat away to Jose, Kevin and Ethan.

After lunch, Mia, Kate and I went upstairs to get dressed for the event, while the boys spent a laid back afternoon being lazy and having drinks by the pool while looking over at the preparations going about. Seeing Christian and Elliot spending time together has been another revelation. For the first time since I've seen both the brothers together, I see Christian taking genuine interest in his brother's life without shutting him up every time Elliot opened his mouth. And Elliot on the other hand couldn't shut up even if he wanted to. Trying as much to bond with his brother as he was allowed. I can see how desperate Elliot is to have this brotherly affection come from Christian.

When the three of us came downstairs all ready and Christian came into my view, I had to close my thighs together to ebb away the throbbing between my thighs. Holy mother of vaginas, he looked edible. Dressed in a white shirt tucked in gray dress pants, he had three buttons of his shirt open with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His chiseled chest screamed at me to be licked and all I could think about was running my tongue all over his chest. With the amount of hotness that man exudes, my inner goddess had no choice but to lick an ice-cream.

I am dressed in a white long lace dress with a side slit that reaches up to my upper thigh. I paired the dress with nude Christian Louboutin heels that make my legs look never ending. My hair is in a messy side bun with a few strands in front left loose and my eyes have a Smokey-eye make up with gray shade and my lips are nude. By the carnal look in Christian's eyes, which turned into a stormy shade of gray, I could say I look good too.

Christian didn't leave my side for even a second the entire afternoon. He has been by my side, touching me here and there every now and then. It was like he _needed_ to touch me. And when the time came for him to introduce me to some young business associate, immediately his arms would find my waist, marking his territory. Jealous fifty is a remarkable fifty.

Not long into the party, people hammered the three Grey siblings into showing off their expertise in musical instruments. Mia gladly agreed and played the cello. Elliot too agreed and played the guitar, showing off as much as he could to impress Kate. I laughed at the smirks and winks he was giving Kate. While I have seen Christian play numerous times, it was my first time seeing the remaining Grey siblings play and I wasn't shocked in the least to find how remarkable they all were. Looks like Grace really did put her foot down when it came to this. When it was Christian's turn, he threw a fit and disregarded all the pleas. People were begging and then I knew I had to step in because he wouldn't be able to say no to me.

"Please, Christian, for me," and I pout with a known expression I know would be his undoing. Rolling his eyes at me, he reluctantly agreed.

Sitting down on the piano bench and sighing, he looked at me and smiled. And when he said infront of everyone that it was for me, I nearly combusted right then and there. I have heard Christian play before, and I thought I knew what was coming but he surprised the living daylights out of everyone in that room including me, when he started to sing along while playing and in the most magical voice I have ever heard, pouring his heart out to me by the means of a song.

"Thank you, you sweet _sweet_ girl," Grace hugs me and kisses my forehead. Mia pulls me towards her and has me locked down in a vice like grip and crushes me in a hug. I can't breathe. Elliot pulls me from the crushing embrace, "You're going to kill her Mia. Geez. Are you okay, Ana?"

"I'm fine Elliot."

"Excuse my overenthusiastic sister, Ana. Anyway today I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for forgiving my brother and taking him back into your life again. You have no idea what this means for our entire family to see him like this," And he chokes trying to contain his emotions and kisses me on my cheek. This is the first time I have ever seen Elliot this serious and emotional.

"I think it's my turn to talk to her now. Enough let me through." Carrick stands between Elliot and me. Putting his arm around my shoulder he leads me away from everyone.

"You know, Ana, when you first came into my house, I could tell right away that you were good for my son. I had never seen him like this. Only God is witness to how much his mother and I prayed for a miracle to happen in his life. And I knew you were his miracle. When he left you three months ago, all of us tried to put some sense in him, heck we even tried pushing him away from us so that he would go to you." He shakes his head and closes his eyes, "Well but Christian being Christian thwarted all our attempts of bringing you both back together. But then again by some miracle he has you back now and I can only thank you for accepting him back and saving him from the darkness he always seems to surround himself with." Kissing my forehead and resting his hands on my shoulder he continues, "All I can ask of you is to be patient, he is good man and as his father I can tell he loves you with all his heart and he will get there with your support. Thank you sweet girl." With that he turns and leaves.

And I am standing gaping at his back as he leaves. That's the most Carrick Grey has ever talked to me. I feel lightheaded.

**CHRISTIAN**

That was a bit much. I don't know what got into me and I got lost in there. She asked me to perform for her and so I did. I could give my life for her so what is a little performance? And that song just came to me. I hope she got the message and that I meant every word. I love her with everything I have and I will forever love her.

Knowing how much my family wanted to take me in their arms a few moments back, pleading me with their tearful eyes just ripped me a new one. How I wish I could just go and take them all in my arms. I want to make them happy, especially my mom, my angel. I hate that I constantly let them down. Even today they are sad because of me. _Way to ruin it for them, Grey. _And as usual not being able to take being the one to always disappoint them, I escaped. _Coward._

Since that morning at Ana's apartment last week, I have wanted nothing more than to be able to get her that relaxed around me. Not only for her but for me and also for my family. Little else has been going around my head. I know I'm taking baby steps but I'll have to get there, if I ever want Ana to be completely happy with me. I don't want her running to Ethan Kavanagh every goddamn time a shoe drops.

I still know I haven't been entirely truthful with her since we got back. I have so much wanted to tell her about the reason why I have been partial towards brown haired women. But every fucking time I chicken the fuck out. Flynn's told me a hundred times by now that I should tell Ana because she deserves the truth. And I agree with him even though he tells me I am no sadist. But I know what a sick fucking bastard I am.

I can't ever lose her again. How can I muster the courage to tell her the one thing that repulses me as well? Why would she want to be with me, fuck even I wouldn't want to be with me if I were to be in her place. But I know I will have to come clean with her, sooner rather than later.

"Excuse me, have you seen my boyfriend somewhere here? Tall, gray eyes, really hot body, with copper just fucked hair."

I love when she calls me her boyfriend.

Last week we decided we'd tell everyone that were together _officially_. The reaction we got from the Kavanaghs and the Greys were a mild shrug with an 'as if we didn't know already' look. Every goddamn time she calls me her boyfriend, something flips inside me and I feel like I am soaring with happiness. I know it was the perfect chance for me to have told her everything but I just couldn't do it. Not when I just got her back. _How long till she disappears again, you sick fucking liar?_

"Just fucked hair? You have got a dirty little mouth, Miss Steele," her presence instantly works like a balm.

"I am only learning from the very best, Mr. Grey."

"How about I steal a quick kiss before this hot boyfriend of yours decide to show up?" Putting my arms around her waist I pull her towards me and lean down for a quick kiss. She is so small that sometimes I wonder if I will break her.

"I don't think he would mind," she winks at me and kisses me with her tongue invading my mouth in a slow and sensual kiss. Her hands find the back of my neck, tugging at my hair. And if that doesn't turn me on, I feel myself getting hard and pull her against my erection. Rather than pulling away, she surprises me by grabbing my hips and pulling me against her tighter looking for some friction.

It has been too long without sex and I don't think I can go on any longer and it's driving me fucking crazy. Especially, sleeping in the same bed and not having sex. Every night I sleep with a hard on and wake up with a fucking hard on. Sheer. Fucking. Torture.

But I know I can't have sex with her even if I wanted to. Ana has been more than obvious in the past week that she is desperate for some quick action. And I would be more than happy to oblige and give her what she wants but this has already gone too long and even though she knows I am hiding something huge from her, she hasn't quite asked me about it again. Maybe she's scared that it might put another dent in our already strained relationship. We did just get each other back after all this time. But I also know it won't be long before she starts asking questions again.

Sigh. Right now I just want to bask in the sensation of this kiss and having her so close to me.

"Eww. Gross. Get a room you two." If my dick could talk, it would be screaming 'cock-block' at my sister's ear. Sighing in exasperation, I glare at Mia.

Ana chuckles, knowing exactly what is going inside my head. If I didn't love my sister this much, I would kill her for this.

"What is it you want, Mia?" I can't keep the irritation out of my voice.

"Mom is asking for all of us," she chirps, turns around and stalks off towards the house.

Taking Ana's hand in mine, I walk back inside in search of my mother not being able to keep the frown off of my face.

"Behave, Christian and stop acting like a baby who just got denied his favorite candy," Ana tells me from the side.

"But you taste better than candy, Miss Steele," she turns the cutest shade of pink and I can't help but laugh at her embarrassment. She brings out a side of me no one has ever seen or will see for that matter.

We both stop when I find my mother standing in front of us. "I want you to stay for an early dinner, Christian and also you Ana." I am about to decline the offer but my mother has shushed me before I can even open my mouth to refuse.

"I will not hear a word, both of you are joining us for dinner after all the guests have gone. Elliot and Kate have already agreed."

"Fine, mother." I love my family, I really do, but sometimes they can be so fucking overbearing.

Outside, the men are engrossed playing poker. Men don't fancy tea parties, and this is one way for my mother to keep them entertained. By sunset, high rollers and gamblers of Seattle's elite have downed so much alcohol that they can't make coherent decisions and are usually calling high stakes like it was plastic money they were playing with. All money won or lost, however, would obviously be donated to the Coping Together Foundation. Women, on the other hand, were walking around mingling, gossiping, bitching or whatever the fuck they do.

Ana has gone to join Mia and Katherine Kavanagh to try few more flavors of tea. I smile at how intrigued she seemed when she first saw the table, which had every fucking flavor of tea known to man. I make a mental note to ask her which flavors she liked best so that I could get them for her apartment and Escala.

A tap on my shoulder brings me out of my reverie. I turn and see Elliot standing with two glasses of Scotch. Handing one over to me, he takes a sip from his own glass.

"You know I never really got a chance to thank you," he starts.

Confused at what he's saying I look at him with a puzzled expression.

"For Katie, of course. Hadn't it been for you, I would never have met this amazing woman, who practically changed my life inside out. I've never been more happy Christian."

If I say I am shocked by his sudden proclamation, it would be an understatement.

I. Am. Speechless.

I open my mouth to say something, but I can come up with nothing. First time in my life, I have nothing to say to my big brother. I love my brother but we have never been the declare-your-love-to-each-other types. So, I just slap his back and nod, not knowing what to really say to him.

I look over at the girls and see Ana animatedly in a conversation with some fucker. My blood boils. She is laughing and talking as if they have been friends for years. What the fuck is she playing at? The fucker looks like he could grope her the first chance he would get. Over my fucking dead body.

She is mine.

Quickly I walk over to them. Ana spots me and her face lights up like a Christmas tree. Yeah fucker you see that, she's happy to see _me_.

"Christian!" She all but exclaims. "Michael this is Christian and Christian this is Michael."

"Mr. Grey, pleasure to meet you." The fucker puts his hand forward for me to shake. I could break his arm for all I care, but I take it nonetheless.

"Michael used to go to WSU with me," Ana adds. Now that has got my attention. "We had one class together one semester."

"You are one lucky man, Mr. Grey. This one here had all us guys back in college trying to get her attention, but she never paid heed to any of us. She would just ignore us all and keep to herself. I don't think she even noticed the string of guys who desperately wanted her. Heck she never even befriended us," and he looks at her trying to make a cute face.

I know a way to turn his cute fucking face to something ugly.

I feel bloody murder. Talking about other men wanting what's mine is not something I want to have a conversation about. This fucker right here has the fucking audacity to tell me, how he had been one of those guys who wanted in her fucking panties? I see fucking red. And when I see him slightly touching Ana's arm, as he talks about some fucking incident at their college, I just about lose it and yank her away from his touch.

Motherfucker. How _dare_ he touch what's mine?

"Sorry to interrupt your little reunion, but I need to talk to my girlfriend. _Alone_." With that I just about drag her away from the fucker and find a corner where nobody can see or hear us.

"You are mine, Anastasia." I am literally seething. "How come you never told how you had a string of lovers waiting to pounce on you back in college?"

"What did you just say to me?" She snaps.

"You heard me. Why did you never tell me? I want their fucking names, Anastasia. Each and every one of them."

"What will you do with their names? First of all I have no idea what Mike was on about over there and secondly, even if I knew I wouldn't tell you. That was a long time ago and what is it to you anyway?"

"Mike? So he's Mike now? I thought you guys weren't really friends? And what is it to me? They want what's mine. That's what it is to me."

"Are you even listening to what you're saying? You are insane."

"Yeah, well, when it comes to you, I am. I've never denied it, Anastasia."

"Don't you think you're being a little ridiculous right now with the whole 'you are mine' thing?" She air quotes mocking the one thing that is most dear to me.

"You did not just say that!" My palms are twitching. If it were in my hands, she wouldn't be able to fucking sit on that ass for over a week.

"Well I did," she huffs and puts her arms over her chest, fuming.

"Don't fucking tempt me, Anastasia. This has gone way out of line and right now all I can think about is turning that delectable ass of yours red."

She stills. Eyes wide. "You… you want to spank me?" she stammers.

"Damn right I do. And If you don't stop arguing…fuck! Stop it, Anastasia. I don't want to go there." I turn away from her.

I am beyond frustrated at this point.

"What if I want to go there?" She says meekly.

I turn back towards her. Right at this moment, I am so shocked, that it is a miracle I did not just have a fucking heart attack.


	19. Chapter 19

**Please do not forget to review.**

**CHAPTER- 19**

**ANA**

After his volcanic eruption, Christian actually stormed off from there and since then has been blatantly avoiding me. He's totally being an asshole about this like every other time. Well, everyone knows he is an asshole but why the heck does have to be an asshole with me? I'm not everybody else and he should know better.

I am so done with him pissing around everybody with a tail between their legs. He's the one who left me for three months and now suddenly he's back charging around and claiming some kind of imaginary right on me? I don't deny that I do belong to him and I know with Christian Grey comes his over the top, as in Burj Khalifa top, possessiveness, but sometimes he just crosses the line with his atrocities. God dammit I am so outraged at this moment, I could have Christian by his balls.

Last Tuesday, just one day after we came back from our weekend getaway, Ethan and Kevin planned a karaoke night at the apartment since both Kate and I got off work early and Kate was staying late because Elliot was going to be late as he was out with Christian. All of us had a few beers, and when Elliot called in to check on with Kate and she informed him of our karaoke night, one hour later Christian and Elliot both made an appearance. Going by Elliot's expression I could instantaneously say it was Christian who dragged him to check up on us. And it didn't do any good since I was standing on the table between Ethan and Kevin and singing 'It's Raining Men, Hallelujah!' Both of them so much as didn't lay a finger on me, they were busy keeping a balance on the table. But Christian being Christian pulled me down from the table, announced it was time to call it a night and took me back to Escala with him without so much as a word.

To summarize, we got in a huge fight and then he said he was sorry and I explained to him how it was obnoxious and rude and childish. Later to my surprise, he called all three of them up and apologized for overreacting. That was something enormous coming from him. Personal apology calls from Christian Grey. Rest of the week went smooth enough and he has been so trying with everything. I know I also have a long way to go because I can't trust him to not leave me anymore, which is a big road block in our moving on. I'm also trying with him.

But his out of proportion blow out today just bloody ruined the steadiness of the whole darned week. And we are back to square fucking one.

Well I've decided to put an end to his _assholeness, _by being a dick in return. Rest of the evening, I've gone about the party pretending everything was right with the world. More than anything, I know, it is my calm and composedness that would irk Christian further. And I know it's working because everytime he _mistakenly_, which I know is deliberately, looks at me, I can see his ears are red and his eyes are a stormy shade of gray.

Ana- 1; Fifty- 0

If he surmises that he can get away with berating me, and going all atomic fifty on me at some bullshit history that I wasn't even a part of, he has another thing coming. I am going to substantiate how wrong he can be. He wants to act childish; well, I'll give him childish.

As darkness approached, more and more people bid adieu. Once everyone was off, all the Greys with Kate and me lounged on the comfort of the couches inside the house. Christian stole glances at me every now and then, while I kept myself occupied talking to Mia and keeping an eye on Christian from the peripheral vision of my eyes, those strands of hair I kept lose, acting as a shield.

Grace called us for dinner and I know just what to do. I sat myself opposite of Christian. Post party exhaustion claimed everyone, so dinner was somewhat silent. I decided to pick on my food rather than eat it knowing full well what it does to my butt headedness fifty.

My inner goddess pats on my back when I lift my head up to see a very scowling Christian.

Ana- 2; Fifty- 0

"Stop picking on your food, Anastasia and eat," snapped Christian. Pretending as if I hadn't heard him, I continue with my hunger games riling him up more. Momentarily closing his eyes, he takes a few deep breaths before glaring back at me and drowning me in a sea of gray with his brooding. I know he is counting to control his anger.

At this point, there is nothing more I want than to laugh pointing my fingers at him, but I dare not '_release the kraken'_.

As the dinner ensues and everyone heads for a glass of some fine wine, Christian talks about taking an early leave because he was 'tired.' Yeah right. I didn't even want to be with him. Even being in the same vicinity as him is making me more agitated by the minute.

There is something that has come to my notice. Ever since we got back together, every single time I am mad at him, I somehow can't seem to control my anger and I throw ridiculous temper tantrums at him. I can't seem to grasp where all this irritation towards him is stemming from. Maybe I'll talk to Ethan about this tonight? Yeah that does sound like a good idea. He always knows. Plus I'll just get some time off from him to cool down because he was bloody out of line tonight.

Even though I wanted to stay away from him tonight for a very good reason, I know he will think it was only to get back at him and he is going to go ballistic.

So that makes the score, Ana- 3 and Fifty- 0. I know I am being mean, but he deserves it. My inner goddess nods her head in agreement.

Right on cue, Christian comes up to me and extends his hand for me to take, signaling that we were leaving. When I don't take it, he quirks his eyebrows.

"I was thinking I would stay at my apartment tonight. You know, Kate is staying over tonight as well and the three of us can catch up a little."

His arm falls to his side and he gives me an icy glare.

"We're going back to Escala, Anastasia." He says with a finality that makes me squirm a bit.

"Christian, I _really _would like to stay with my friends tonight at my apartment."

"Excuse us," he says to everyone, takes my hand and pulls me up from the lush couch and all but drags me to his father's office.

"Christian, what are you doing?"

"I could ask the same to you, Anastasia."

"You're being unreasonable, Christian," I glare at him.

"Am I now? What are you doing running off to your friends to hide!"

"After the little stunt you pulled today, I'd say I'm much in need of some space from you."

He bows his head and exhales a long breath. When he looks back at me, his gray orbs have turned slightly soft but not altogether. I can see tension in those eyes and this time when he speaks though, his voice is soft and pleading.

"Please come home with me, Ana. I _need_ you to come home with me, baby."

He looks so ridiculously sexy right now that I hate him. I feel myself melting. The panty-dropping smile flashed across his face tells me he knows I just lost this battle and he also knows that I know that he knows. And just like that I can see the tables have turned and the scoreboard now shows, Ana- 0; Fifty- 100.

Slut! My subconscious hisses at me.

Have you seen that man's face? I retort back at my subconscious.

Walking out of the library, all heads turn at us. Sensing the tension between us before we disappeared inside Carrick's study, they were probably anticipating a barking and growling Christian storming out. But when they see a much-relaxed Christian, I could see how they all let out a relieved breath and smile back at us.

"Mom, dad, Anastasia and I would like to take our leave now."

Kate jumps up and stalks towards me, "Ana, don't you worry. I changed my plans for tonight anyway, and Elliot wants me back home. We'll catch up, say, next week?"

I know she was saying this so that I wouldn't be miffed with Christian anymore. "Next week sounds wonderful, Kate. And you really don't have to change your plans tonight for me. I won't be mad at Christian for this, okay?" I smile at my best friend and hug her fiercely.

We say our good-byes and head for the car.

**CHRISTIAN**

The way back to Escala is silent. I am trying to decipher my scrambled thoughts on how to start telling Anastasia everything.

Fuck me from all sides. _You deserve worse._

I sure am one fucked up son of a bitch. _You don't say._

What am I supposed to say to her? How am I supposed to say it to her? She is going to leave me. Any sane person would. After everything that's happened, she's still with _me,_ so maybe she's not so sane after all. What the fuck am I thinking? I hate that I don't know what's going to happen and how she will take it. If she decides to walk out on me, I'll have no other way than to let her go.

No. No. No. No. No. Why am I even thinking this?

She can't leave me. I won't let her leave me.

She's mine.

I love her.

I'll do anything to make her stay.

The car comes to a halt and I see that we are parked in the underground garage of Escala and I realize I am not ready for this. What am I going to do?

Earlier when she so readily agreed for me to spank her, it took all of my fucking strength and self-control not to drag her upstairs to my childhood bedroom for a good spanking and a hard fuck. My dick screamed at me in agony when I walked away from her and later avoided her altogether so that I wouldn't be tempted to do what I have been longing for.

Life sucks. Period.

But I knew better than to take advantage of her anymore. She deserves the truth. I know I could lead her on to a life where she could go on with me without her ever finding out the truth, but it wasn't fair to her. She needs a chance to make a fair choice. What if her choice does not include me after finding out the truth?

I'll wither and die.

She has to choose me. The thought of ever going through, what I have been going through for the past few months, already has me quivering in fear and I am starting to feel that familiar ache in my chest that I have been living with all these time. I cannot go back there. I don't think my heart, body, brain, nervous system or soul could ever take that much amount of pain anymore. This time, it would be the motherfucking end of me.

The ride in the elevator is silent and so is the walk towards the bedroom. I know Ana has comprehended my sudden out of character silence by now that there is something going on with me. She's been eyeing me from the corner of her eyes every time she got a chance since we left my parents' but has decided to keep mum on the matter probably waiting for me to approach her first. Thank goodness for small mercies that she is giving me some time to fathom on how to proceed. Though knowing her, she will soon run out of patience and then start inquiring.

"Anastasia, we need to talk." Her powder blue eyes gape at me with fear. Why is she afraid?

"You're not asking me to leave you again, are you?" She deadpans, her voice sad.

What the fuck? Where the fuck did this come from?

"What?" I ask flabbergasted.

"The statement, 'we need to talk' only leads to a break up," she says and I want to laugh. I don't know how can she be frustrating and comical all at the same time.

"Oh Anastasia, what am I going to do with you?" All night I have been dying inside thinking she is going to leave me after hearing the truth and she asks me in return if I was going to break up with her?

"Well, I told you what you should do to me, but then you run away, Christian. Every. Single. Time. What is it, Christian? What are you hiding from me? Does this have anything to do with _that_?" And there it is. Her inquisition. And I know what she is referring to when she says _that._ She knows it's coming. It's the one topic I've shied away from the beginning. The thought of losing her, the thought of her being repulsed by me is excruciating. But I know I have to tell her.

It's now or never.

"Promise me you'll keep an open mind?" I plead.

"You're scaring me, Christian."

"Truth is I'm terrified about this myself."

Closing the gap between us, she wraps her palms at the back of my neck and brings my face to her level and kisses my forehead. "I love you, Christian. Tell me."

"It's the one thing I am truly afraid will take you away from me. But I also know I can't hide it anymore. It's not fair to you. You deserve the truth, Anastasia."

I look at her and she is still quiet. Waiting for the bomb to drop. Sitting her on the edge of the bed, I drop down on my knees and shuffle between her legs. Taking both her hands in mine, I continue, "There's a reason why.. all my submissives.. are brown haired. There's a reason why I liked to beat them up."

She gasps but doesn't say anything. Fuck this is going to kill me. Anytime now, she is going to stand and walk out of my life. "I liked to beat pale, brown haired women because they remind me of the crack whore, Anastasia."

Letting go of my hand, she covers her open mouth which has formed a big O. Holy fucking shit. I've finally said it. And Anastasia seems to be stunned.

She isn't moving or screaming. Tears roll down her cheeks but she is not moving. A few minutes tick by.

"Please say something, baby."

Nothing.

Cupping her face with both my hands, I urge, "Anastasia, please. You have to know, it's not like that anymore. I love you, baby. I love you so much."

Still nothing. She is only staring at me. Tears slowly roll down, but she doesn't make a sound.

"Baby, please talk to me. Please, I beg you. I promise to you, it's not like that anymore. I know I am one fucked up son of a bitch, but please understand everything's changed now. I love you. I love you so much. Scream at me, you can even hit me if you want to, but baby please say something." I know I am rambling but I can't help it.

Still nothing.

This is bad.

This is even worse than I expected. I don't know what to do. What the hell am I supposed to do? Standing up and running my hands through my hair and pacing inside the room I try to think what I can do to get a reaction from her. Anything is better than this. She has completely shut down.

**ANA**

I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't utter a single word.

What just happened? My brain has stopped functioning. He likes to beat me because I look like his deceased mother? His _mother_? MOTHER?!

I want to scream. Of all the things I ever comprehended his big secret to be, this was not something that crossed my mind even in the slightest. Every rational instinct in me was screaming RUN! But I can't move. What does this even mean? My boyfriend, who claims to love me, wants to beat me because he has some sick twisted way of getting back at his dead mother.

Say, I go and change my hair to burgundy tomorrow, then what? Would he still claim to love me? Maybe I should just do that? Get a fucking tan and change my hair color and see if he still loves me.

What the heck am I going on about? This just proves Christian has officially driven me crazy. Snapping out of my trance, I focus on the man prancing around the room, tugging at his hair like a lunatic on the loose.

In the end, it all comes down to my love for this crazy fucked up son of a bitch.

Maybe it's my own masochism that even after what he just told me, my love for him hasn't decreased. I still don't know what to do about this. More like I am too tired to even think about this tonight. I just want to go to sleep and we can about this shithole tomorrow. I'll just go to the sub room upstairs and sleep on it. As much as I love him, I need space tonight. This emotional avalanche is taking its toll on me and right now being in the same room as him feels unhealthy to me.

He stops his pacing as soon as I stand and make my way to out of the bedroom. His eyes look like they are about to shoot out of their sockets.

"I'm just going upstairs, Christian." He looks terrified.

"You're leaving me?" His voice is full of anguish.

"I'm just going to sleep on it tonight. I'm tired and wired and I don't want to be dealing with this right now. And I need some space from you, Christian. Please understand." I try to explain as much as I can. I don't know what else to say to him.

"Please don't leave me, Ana. I love you. Please." Oh fifty. Did you hear anything I just said?

"I'm just going upstairs. I'm not leaving." With that I walk out of the bedroom and make my way up to the guest room.

Lying down and shutting my brain off, I fall in a restless sleep.

Not more than two hours later, I am literally _jerked_ awake by one of those 'falling off a cliff' dreams. Cursing and growling, I climb off the bed and head downstairs for a glass of water. Sleep has decided to abandon me, so I decide to fix myself some comfort food.

Putting two slices of white bread on the counter, I take out the Nutella jar and grab a banana. Slicing the banana thinly, I smear a generous amount of Nutella on both the slices of bread. Then I place the banana slices on top of the bread and put the other slice on top of the bananas. Greasing the pan with butter, I put the sandwich on the pan and let it fry. After a minute, I turn the side and fry the other side. Taking out a plate I put the sandwich on it and I am ready to munch.

One bite and I am already in heaven.

That is when I hear a muffled cry. What the… and I hear it again. Christian! I forget my sandwich and run towards the bedroom and the sight breaks my heart. Christian is writhing in agony and tossing restlessly.

"Don't!" He cries. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I try to wake him up, "Christian, wake up!"

"No! Don't!" He shouts and after a few moments starts sobbing in his sleep. The cry is so tortured that I can _feel _his pain. "Christian, baby, it's me, Ana. Wake up."

He opens his eyes, looks at me with big, sad gray eyes. The tears have stopped and he seems to be stunned. "I'm here, baby. It's okay." I kiss him on his forehead.

"Please don't leave me." His lips tremble and I see one drop of tear roll down his cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere, Christian. Go back to sleep. I'll lie down with you, okay?"

He just nods like a petrified child. I stand up and walk to my side of the bed and climb in with him. Keeping his head on the hollow between my collarbone and shoulder, he smells me and wraps his arm and legs around me like a vine.

"I love you, Anastasia. Please don't ever go away from me. I love you so much. I need you like I need air. Please don't go. I'm nothing without you."

"I am not going anywhere, Christian. I love you too, with all my heart." Bringing my arm around him, I slowly caress his head, lulling him to sleep. After a few minutes, his breathing slows into a steady rhythm and I know he is asleep.

My stomach growls.

Dammit, I couldn't finish my sandwich.


End file.
